Expect the unexpected, follow the lovers lost in this blog.

A blog to cater your mind,body,and soul as you drink Turkish Coffee. We are proud to present our new storyline called Cafe's search for his "Zahir". Everyday is a new day for the "Cafe" (from Istanbul) & his journey for "Zahir" (from Baku). Don't expect extraordinary drama from the narrator, me. Still, this is a drama (maybe real!), and have better impact on you than watching a soap opera. Guaranteed. There is genuine feelings within inspirational periods. Cross your fingers for this story to end with happy marriage :-) All rights are reserved.

EDIT (01 July 2009) - She is engaged with another man, and I finally made my marriage proposal bringing my family to Baku. The result: She stays engaged and will have her wedding, so called "toy", with that another man.

Rest in peace Ms. Zahir.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Twenty Nine

I am not twenty one, but April is already in her mid-age. Soon, she will turn into May, and I will be almost finished with Spring cleanup! Thoughts were essential, but not so random, and there is no birth control, as they are just getting swept and new thoughts are emerging, though they mostly end up in the emergency room seeking the real patient with patience. The doctor is calling "next", and I show my list of medicines. Her black pen crosses out all of them, just put a note at the end.


Indeed, it is time to go with all things considered and finally realize how to finalize this soap opera. It is a short trip, and time will be flawless. Welcome baby, sorry we don't do baby shower in Turkey, but as all we say, "Masallah"

In this cultural pot, we are melting. The sauce is ready, and the last dish should be tasty.

Why not?

If we take out or sit back, relax, and just enjoy the last dish, late nite fish.

Crawling the keyboard is not as simple as sinking down the mud.

Don't forget.

Yes, just don't forget, because I won't be back.


Thursday, April 23, 2009

Dating the date

Silence covers the floor, evaporates to the air, rains back down to ground, raises more awareness with additional feelings flavoring the silence, and back on the cycle...We keep longing...and it is dated now!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Jump start

"It is a new day"
"Yes, it is, and it is just a new beginning"
"Well, I never gave up!"
"You almost did, don't fool me" she says
As I stir the sugar in the tea, I remember I was supposed to put some jam into it, or
"May I have the jam aside? Don't you know, I don' t drink use sugar."
"That's why you never called me again since last September"
"When will you pause for a moment and think don't I give enough difficult moments to this young boy"
"Young?" she sighs.
"And, mature!" I say slowly.
"Everybody gets mature, and then they forget to take care of their skin, they age, and then begin to realize they need somebody to love."
"Well, I reserved this ticket six years ago, please don't sell it in the black market, I know this is pretty expensive now. See, I can learn how to invest my energy and time. Can I get a deposit slip?"
"I am not ready to get married!"
"I almost did, ohh sorry, that was on another planet with another girl called Zair." I say, and she walks away to the balcony.

I was a chilly May, and I was expecting shower, as I begin to wonder, there was the thunderstorm, and here we are, watching the rain together, and thinking how we will slowly build our dam to collect good times, and install a recycling facility to reduce the waste of bad moments. I spent almost a year and half in searching for this system which will circulate my time and energy investment into sound financial sum to let us reproduce our fruitful relationship every other day. I never had this moment in Baku, watching the rain from our cozy, small apartment. I know, time passes so quickly and I need to rush back to work in Istanbul and maybe, we see each other a few weeks later. I wish one thing from Allah to make her slowly understand why I never gave up on her, and why I am so stubborn to rise from the west hemisphere. It is always nice to see the sun giving birth to a new day counter clockwise, and it is fun to watch her go to sleep first, and then I pray she will see how I continue to sacrifice my longing and passion just a few ... more. I know it cannot be a year, but it will be a few months.

There is no single day, I lived without knowing hearing from Azerbaijan. If we just pronounce the -jan part, and mimic it as -jam, I feel like I am a part of it. As the notorious president Haydar Aliyev said, we are one nation, two counties. From the beginning, I felt the same as we are one body, two minds. Indeed, we have many conflicts and it was always fun to make the shortest sentences with short-run arguments to result them with satisfactory conclusions. As long as everybody is clear about their stepping stone, we will not hurt each other, indeed we will just hug each other in the sky.

"Mom is calling" she says, and here we are listening to her beautiful voice, sometimes high, sometimes low. They are both admiring. Farewell to my old habit of missing to record our beautiful moments, and just staring at the camera and say, "Hello, I am Cafe and today's guest is Ms. Zair." She was never a-today's-guest type of girl. She was an all-time star, always making me wait to watch her on a clear sky. Thanks to Allah, she was shining during the day, and for some reason, the Sun was not bothering her own illumination.

"Ladies and gentleman, if I open this box, and just show why I do this, would you just give me hand to convince this beautiful lady who is now wondering what the heck I need to say to him" I shout to the storks moving to the East. They make their famous sound and simply agreed with me to open the box, and then just like digging a well full of fuel, this box begins to grow a fruitful tree reaching up high in the sky. I climb it, thinking that I will see all the way East, and surpass all mountains between us. Storks are a little nervous, since I never been up so high.

"I do, I do"
"Who is this?" I shout to the East.
"I do, I ."
"Who are you?" I shout back again, because I am barely hearing her, whoever she is.
"Continue, I am still way thing." she says, but I really don't understand anything, what is "way thing"?
I move forward and more rapidly, so then I arrive to the top of the tree. I met a beautiful lady, considering her to be an angel, supposedly, but not really sure, and indeed, not really care, because I am all obsessed to catch my reservation and not be late at least this time.

"Welcome aboard!" she says.
"Can we just finish this, hello, really, I am running late." I mistakenly increase my volume with the high volume of excitement I have.
"It is 8.43pm, and we are closing in 2 minutes, why were you so late, you know about your scheduled flight."
"I am sorry, but yes, I just dreamed, and imagined, what can I do, this is my fuel for life, how do you think I climbed so high and always thought that at least you would allow me to see her eyes, or just her new design of hair." I say with an almost upset situation.
"Tell me what I can I do for you, other than giving your ticket."
"Just tell me, why you care about my passion. Nobody did. People think it is crazy, and it is 21st century, and don't forget, we need to consume everything so rapidly. We eat, we sleep, we love, we hate, etc. etc. Things happen so fast. Let me tell you this. I always wanted this, and I always think positive. I just never had a chance to give up, because words were just flushing out of my mouth. Whenever I look around, I see things offering me to use them as my figurative speech which will let everyone to imagine and put this relation into real words, real life. Unlike sitting down and thinking and asking repeatedly why, why, why.. I preferred to polished the good times, and trash away the bad times, and I never forgot my bad habits which are now recycled into small cans, so I can see them on the shelf, and they remind me that they are full of shit, and I never should be so close to them again. Never, ever. It is getting late, really, we are aging, could you please just give my ticket and let me know how long is the delivery of my body to her city of angels?"
"Well, it is upto you, it could be tomorrow, or it could be a few weeks later. But, remember, don't make this long, because you are about to get crazy like Hallac-i Mansur of Baghdad." she reminds me.
"OK, I leave everything here, so if they send me a message on facebook, please reply back and tell them I am almost finished with clearing my heart from dust." I said, and the order arrives.
"Hello Mr. Cafe, you Persian cookie, 1.50 TL please."
"Thanks, always on time."
"Your are welcome, good night."
"Good night, see you later."

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Just Be

Gotta do some targeted mass marketing and lots of research, feeling like I am just messing with the internet, but just an innocent look at the heater in front me reminds you back on, as the whole days passes with moments of you.

Just be the heater heating the whole room, I promise I won't be jealous or selfish, let you be, just be around, I can just look, just look at you.

Just be the light illuminating the whole room, I won't turn it on and off, play with it, nope, nothing, just let you be, and I will just take a look at you, well sometimes, I won't let my eyes die, or go blind, since I need to refresh my memory that I used to .... just be next to you.

Just sit around the dinner table, don't need to enjoy the dinner, just be the salt, or pepper on the table, I won't use you, I will just stare at you all night long, and promise you once again I will not overuse the rare moments that needs to be appreciated from the beginning to the end, just like the arrival of a plane on JFK airport, and departing immediately, staying away from the local taxes, charges, etc.

Just be ... mine, I mean, stay in my mind, or well, be like a mint, refresh my breath and the whole world.

Just be a letter on my laptop's keyboard, but not space, or enter button, I press them a lot, maybe the Escape button, whenever I watch the T9 video, and remember our time together, I can slowly press the Esc button, and leave the video, because there is no need to send my signals back on you, as you are already (maybe) enjoying the best times in your life, in your country, around your family. I know, I feel the same, just that we are so apart, but we have the same norms and traditions. Just be, yes, stay there, and also let me be, I mean, hear, or know about what's up, so I will make you the F5 button on my keyboard, which is to refresh the page. I promise, I will have high speed internet, so I will not need to use F5 a lot, the page will load instantly, and I will not need to refresh it.

Just be the orange, and I will promise you to keep you alone, as I continue to squeeze four to make my midnight vitamin charge. Stay alone, or of course, maybe you already have somebody inside the orange peel, so, yes, I won't peel you off, live your life, and yes, I won't cut you, and squeeze you, I know, there won't be any poison, but well, I won't disturb you, as I promised.

Just be the music in my ears, and I promise I will not play the same melody over and over again. As fruitful as the people of Turkey, there are lots of types of people, animals, plants, etc. There is a good combination of both, while some parts are unfortunately eroding and missing the gems of life. May they find their path back on without harming others, and yes, continue to sing with your beautiful voice, and don't put a sorry face, because I use the blender, and I am responsible for the plate, and I am sorry to leave a sour feeling on your palate. But, speaking of music, your ears, yes, and mine, well you may put earphones on yours, because this time I want to be selfish, I just want to hear you, and I don't want you to hear what you say, and then maybe I will hear that phrase I longed for so long! An innocent I .... too, you fill the blanks, if you have a chance to read this.

Time is passing, and maybe I will not enjoy this movie each minute. It is true that it is getting late, and I already deserved my Persian "pogaca", why not share it?

Dear you,

Just be around, yes, just let me hear, or see what's up? Because, I cannot think and believe that you changed, this is absolutely ridiculous to realize that we changed. Of course, people mature and realize about the realities of life, such as being around the loved ones, forever, or stay in our beloved lands, etc. But, on the other side, there is this feeling of sharing a life for the pleasure of whole world. For one second, if you imagine everyone was happy with one another, do you think we would have ultimate justice and peace. I am simply inviting you to contribute to this ideology, maybe, just like picking up the starfish on the beach, and throwing them back to the sea.
I invite you to use your beautiful figurative speech all the time, and remind me that we are all humans and we are capable of appreciating this life more than any other creature. Just be the one that I rarely, usually, sometimes, often, always and foremost frequently see and talk in this life, and just guess how much we can save by adding less salt to our dish. Yes, dear (used to be darling), end of each post is labeling another sticker on my face, and soon, I will be unable to see you, if I happen to be decorated with those happy face stickers. And, yes, those will be fake, to tell the world that I am without you.

I am....



Sending and Receiving?

We have been sending small pieces of stones into the deep well. We don't date the posts to avoid any expectations about considering this as daily news, weekly updates, monthly magazine, or a yearbook. None of them. It is totally freestyle, but the words are coming back from this deep well. I send some stones, and receive back some memories which both hurt me and so I put them up online thinking about her finally giving up and realizing how much I...

Welcome back to the stories of Cafe, and sit back relax, because spring is coming and today is April 14, 2009. It has been almost 3 days since sending a massage (yes, not a message) to her. It is not like a typical AIM, or ATM, or deposit to the bank. It was a compact pieces of phrases put together carefully, as always, not being very talkative, simply decorating with fruits and veggies, all healthy choices. I accept that I cannot stop eating this special cookie, which I tasted first, in the beautiful city of Baku. We read news and maybe don't hear enough about the history of Karabagh. Most recently, there was an article on Turkish newspaper, Hurriyet, about those people (refugees) misplaced from their original land, Karabagh, due to the conflict between Armenia and Azerbaijan. As much as she is affected by this political situation, as a sister country, I am also concerned and curious when should we accept some logical movements like clarifying this situation and letting people go back to their homes. As we all know, home is an important concept. On one side, people spend millions to decorate their homes, and on the other side, there are homeless people on the streets, even in NYC. The dilemma begins here, when one side is enjoying the luxury while the other side keeps fighting with the poverty. We are slowly drifting away from the world crisis between Cafe and Zair, I know. But, I will be coming back, wait, let me sip a little from my coffee, and just try to realize this could be a possible ....

a chance?

As I continue to read the book of Coelho (called, Zair), last night, I read the part about leaving your old relationships, and just sail to new experiences. At one part, Esther was telling to the Kazak boy that her husband doesn't understand her anymore. They were talking about the power of love, and also those people limiting themselves for the happiness of their loved ones.
To be honest, I am also learning from this book. I am aware of the eternal love I bare towards her, and I am not limiting myself for her happiness. Each body deserves an umbrella in the rain, and another umbrella under the sun on the beach. So, the climates may change, but the protection is necessary all the time. I was just willing to commit and to convince her family to protect their loved daughter from any harm until the end of her life. So, what about new experiences? Are we supposed to cheat on each other?

Since now I am being ashamed anytime I miss to pronounce her name during the day, how am I supposed to cheat on her, or treat her badly? Allah offered me a chance to weight how much I can handle to leave with her, and believe me, at some points it was very impossible. I strongly believe she had the same moments, and maybe more than I do, because I had so many handicaps, and I failed most of the time. Those failures added up, and at the end, she had a wonderful reason to go away. Now, I think like Mecnun in the desert, looking for her, walking, walking, and keep walking. Don't expect me to run, because I may get thirsty. Yes, I can reproduce my own water out of the oxygen in the air, but I need to balance my stress vs. strength. I do get stressed when I put things in rush. Hello, darling, just continue to enjoy your relationship, and I really don't wish that ship to sink. Let it sail, further away, and of course, I will one day forget about these, but now, I am sunk deep down in the well, and I feel like I am throwing those stones to myself. Ooops, my eyes. Oh, wait, don't touch my cheeks, they are reserved for a kiss. Hello, anybody there? No need to put commas, or dots. It is just a matter of time, and Allah is great to show us guidance and patience to understand where we end up to sip a little bit more coffee, and then begin to think if we are ready to take care of the coffee plantation.

The Persian "pogaca" (cookie, see the picture) awaits me to confirm his entry to my hidden treasure which has no appetite these days. I think about opening her a restaurant in Turkey, when she comes over. We all need the wonderful tastes from her country. And, it will be a boutique restaurant/cafe style, inside a clothing store. I imagine, and I will continue to imagine just like my American teacher in middle school told the whole class.


In those days, we were making fun of his accent, and don't understand what the heck we need to imagine sitting in the class of 40 and expect a bright future by entering an exam to enter university, when the chance is only about %20-30, I guess. I wish there is someone out there ready to measure my chance to win her back, because I am getting irresistable to receive a reply from her. Shall I just take a flight and go to her, and just wait in the historical spot and expect her to walk across me, and with my sunglasses on, I shall randomly ask her in English, what date is today, and ask her if she received an important message on April 10th, or well was it 9th, ooops, let's say the first week of April, and make the date part less stressful. Thanks to Allah, it is not like a prison, and I am not counting down the days to get out.

Now, I think about celebrating her birthday in all colleges around the USA, and raising awareness to genuine relationships, and loving someone without a reason, simply following the steps of your heartbeat, and measure their strength for how much they can handle each of you until the end of your lives. What would be a good name for this?

Loca? Muy loco?

Yes, it is very crazy!

Watching the rain is romantic, and witnessing each raindrop hitting the windshield of the car is also exciting. In the morning, when you wake up and see the sunshine, you get even happier, but see the marks of the raindrop on your car makes your day awful. Like, making fresh coffee, enjoying the first couple of sips, then forget about it, and after half an hour, you realize and drink it, and wow! It is very awful to drink it cold.

Dear You,

I never forget you.... so far!
I always kept you warm in my mind, and tried to press the delete button in my heart.
I don't have virus protection, but for some reason, that file cannot be deleted.... for now!
Please confirm your status and then I will call the engineers to fix it, or else...

I will continue to enjoy your cuisine, don't worry.
And, I will look for a chance to visit your beautiful city, all the time.
But, I am just unable to sacrifice everything, and we shall not be sturborn all the time.
We are not goats trying to cross to the opposite sides.
We could be goats trying to cross to the other side, TOGETHER!

We have been together for so long, we planted a lot of seeds.
Those seeds need to grow, and feed the family, so, please don't hang up.
Last nite motto was nice.
Yes, we've been together, and it is time to get her!

Don't take me ironic, sarcastic, or maniac.
It is just about expecting a genuine reply.
As I believe only genuine answer will be reflected from your eyes,
I will seek for the moment to get away and do the final round of speech with you in your beautiful city.

P.S: If you reply, and curse, of course this pretty, romantic, pink picture will be crashed, smashed, and recycled to new scenario for the future filmmakers who will shoot our movie.

Monday, April 13, 2009

How much I can write in 20 minutes?

I know how much I can long for you for another 20 years, but I guess life is not all about experiencing the loss of a loved one. One business day already past, and I don't think she would skip to read my message on facebook. Technology is so up high in the sky, I could even check if there was any entry from her country to this blog. But, my desire is moving on the other direction. It is not about selling something to a client. I am not putting up my desire on sale, and sending her an invitation. This is pure cocoa. Just use a little, but some hot milk, and you are on your way to ....

Now, I have been listening to this song very frequently nowadays, and I really wish to understand the lyrics. There is saxophone which resembles my past hobby. It is still my passion, but just not able to find time/place to ornament it. I miss her, well I mean playing it to her. For sure, she was hearing me echoing in the middle of Arizona desert. It was good times, and I am still lost if those times will be back. I don't see any obstacles. I never did. She created a few of them, I just couldn't handle, and for some reason, it immediately broke down, the strings between us. It used to be ropes, the thick one used in the navy, or fish net, you know, very tight, impossible to escape. We were ready to be caught by each other's net. I don't understand, I just wanna know, just like the lyrics of the song, I want to hear from her, saying that she is married, thinking about children, all happy and her way to the future is bright. OK, I am happy, well, of course bearing a lot of dilemma and struggle with ignorant foolish guilty feelings. I should be able to cleanse the skin, just make another look at the mirror, and accept the reality.
It is just coming. The name of her country appearing in front of me every other day. Last night, I was watching some history about Ottoman Empire, and guess what, the roots of the empire comes from the land of Fuzuli. What a person? I need more time to understand him. Maybe, I shall take some more time to read further, and just discover. The feeling will come forward, and all of them will be plainly reflected here to avoid others to fall into the same trap I put myself into, it is full of shit. Yes, indeed. It is a pain, while building one side of the wall, and seeing the other side collapsing. Why, or how? No matter. It happened, and I am VERY curious what's up with her since last September. It is going to be almost 6 months, and in 3 months I need to give a birth to my refreshed love. It is emergency, and I need to clarify, I just need to, because this is soooooo irritating while bearing the ultimate purity of this feeling, this feeling of loss and more curiosity.

Have a break now, just watch it, don't continue to read unless you fully watched it. I have no idea what he is talking about, but I can feel it. She is beautiful, but not to be compared with my treasure hidden somewhere across the border. I want my VISA to be valid. I want my passport back, and I want to gain back my identity. I don't need to convince her with the purity of this emotions. They are baked all day long. I repeat her name everyday, since she's gone. It was inside, somewhere maturing. Now, I feel it in my ears, in my nose, in my mouth. I want to cry out her name as I used to do while I was running on the riverside of Philly. It was beautiful there, and I always imagine to visit the city with her. The city of brotherly love. 8 minutes left, and soon I will watch the movie over and over again and just realize the reality furthermore. Now, I am obsessed with this song, with the video, with the reflection of her accent. It is very difficult to forget, because there was just so many quality language between us. She had a good mind, sometimes failing to operate my thoughts but still logical enough to conclude all talks with sweet melody. It should be fine, of course. Maybe she already had the sign "Just Married" on their car's title. It is OK, but I am just curious, and as long as this level of core thoughts doesn't burn each other, let's just make this fair enough, and award me with one sentence, or with a poem, just like the ones she wrote when I was in the US. It is such a lack of dignity to bury all those memories somewhere very far from here, from her country, way west. Maybe some people found it already and read, and just realize how much we belong to each other. I shall continue to fight until I see her face coding the reality. I don't trust internet anymore. I rely on this new technology, but it failed me so far. There is nothing like whispering to her ears, or watching her eyes talk. Or, just waiting for the next shooting star together, or counting the number of airplanes flying over us, and thinking when we will go back home and build our future TOGETHER?

Yes, it is time TO GET HER!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Simple Touch

I know the number of posts are getting more regular these days, as I continue to think over and over again about the possibility to get you. Repeating your name many times, and fell asleep was the sweetest night so far. Up until the morning, I heard your voice, and I keep regulating how I was treating you, and how I will promise to treat you. Same issues are also bothering me in business life, and I am almost done with the past behavior which was disturbing, I know. You read this as well, from the Coelho's book. The distance between the rails of the railroad is always 143.5 cm
We are also rails, and I promise to keep our distance steady to make sure our relationship is eternal like walking the silk road over and over again. I wish only one thing these days. To be able to talk to you, even you are married. I need you to dust some feelings, the spring is coming, so let me host this cleaning event. I want to be your sponsor, I want to be your guest, I want to be your host, I want to be your chance. I will choose to stay silent and just create extra juice to drink as we begin to talk non-stop melodically. It is a simple touch on the keyboard now, but it will be a lot simpler when it comes to touch your cheeks and ask them how much they long for ...

I look forward to fill in the blanks, and I am proud to stay strong up until today to show you how much I ...

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Message Sent

Dear You,

Or, shall I say just hello!
A few more signs were picked up from the ground, as I was approaching to talk to you. Of course, this cannot last forever, and I'd be the happiest person in the world, if my scenario comes up to be true. Why I am leading this discussion? Guess? I know, and you know. There were a couple of phrases we used to say, and those phrases were so powerful, it was reflecting each other's insight. There should be another you, if there is, she would still be you, so there is nobody like you. I have a permit to drive within the country, but I really don't want to check out what is the most recent weather update, because I don't care if it rains, snows, sunshine, or chilly. Let me sip a little from my soup, and it is beyond midnight, and it is just crazy enough to mess with the computer's mouse to figure out the way to organize the catalog which took almost 3-4 hours out of my office time. Now, I am back home and lying on your laps, and you are caring enough to comb my hair, and send random kisses to my cheeks, while lips are so jealous for the lost years.
Yes, indeed, the soup has some lemon, and it makes it more tasty I think, well it is lentil soup, and it is blended, so lentil are smashed, blended you know, as you are blended in me.
Well, I didn't sip, because it is just hot, so I preferred to stir it a little bit. When I met you, you didn't have any caution sign saying you are hot, and you were hot, and I guess you are still hot. I would prefer to select a few scenes from the past, and just figure out my way out of this dilemma, as I promised to myself not to contact you until I end up in your country for a business trip, then I'd check out what's up with you, without leaving any clues I have been so close to you. But, I could not resist after watching that movie which was almost laying out my experience, but not experiment/practise with you. It's a shame for a boy to date a girl and say we shall just practise marriage. I should have asked you to marry me, but that wouldn't guarantee anything, because the warranty was not valid outside the US. Calm down, wait a few minutes, I am almost lost within my soup, my late nite dish which will not include main plate, because as I starve a little bit, my consciousness is up %99.99 and I just don't want to change this channel, and I will not let those ones playing around in my mind and messing with my concentration. I am fully diagnosed, and the doctor say I am sick. Yes, I am sick of the past foolishness which led you to hide under another one's arms, as I sink, I got sick, as I got sick, I got fool, understand, and then be cool. Yes, I am cool, no worries, but after this message sent, there is tons of stuff to say, and simply decided to put a few sentences in the body. Soup is calling, please look after the kids, I will be back shortly.
How would you have kids, if you continue to be stubborn to stay in your country right? It is just traditions, and we are so obsessed with them, so we still have a couple of points to discuss. But, wait, no worries again, your life, your decisions, right? But, me, sinking down again. I have two memories about deep wells. One of them was in a city called Canakkale, Turkey. They used to open a very deep well, and during the war, they were throwing enemies in there. I am not sure which time of the history, it could be way back in time. Still, the well was too deep, and I began to think, what if they put me in there, and the only thing in my mind would be to reach to you, how would I accomplish that? It is impossible to climb up the wall, and suppose I have a spoon, or make a tea spoon. I shall open another tunnel, maybe reach to sea, and just swim to the closest shore. Suppose, I end up in an island, and I will not be able to leave unless I hear from you. How would you contact me? Wait, I dropped my cell phone, and yes I know, you already deleted my number, right? I never could, you know?
As a writer, they ask, my mind visitors, why I don't put any images to colleborate with the art of words. My answer would be similar to Paulo Coelho. He said each reader is putting their own images, and shooting their own films by reading each words in my writing. I would never like to shoot a movie out of my books, he says in Zahir. If you ask me, I would make a soap opera out of my writings, and these soap operas will be 5 minutes each, and they will be broadcasted right before the news. What do you think? Are we fair enough? I am starving, and I am thinking about eating, but once again I am not sure why? I wait. I won't cry, as I did at the end of that movie. Oops, also in the middle, somewhere. I still hear your cry as well. Why? It seems so stupid to experience what you had for five years. I already completed one year, are we even? I feel so sorry, and I believe it is more than being sorry, I feel lost. Haha, right! Being lost is the best solution, but I am just unable to name this situation. If I read more, I could have a good word here, making this a little bit more sophisticated. No matter if you eat your yoghurt plain or with fruits, I will always watch your channel. When I sleep, I will always register your name in the server, but they don't promise to offer me choices from your cuisine. But, I met the patisserie cookie we used eat in your country. They are baking this one of a kind cookie around the corner from our office. When I ask, who deserves my passion, all first ten spots are reserved for you. I guess we already missed bunch of them, and now those seats are occupied by others and I don't even see them, and if you ask me, I will always wait even though we keep counting after ten. Yes, it is foolish, and I cannot decide, because I don't know if you pregnant yet? I guess, that will be the end of story, and I shall immediately dig a well, and just stand inside for a couple of hours. I shall decide why I had to collect all those mistakes in my life and just gathered them all in front of you, and unconsciously offered them to you. Why? I miss you like crazy, and I really hesitate to check out acceptable mixture of beauties of mind, body and soul. I expect an answer, and I hope it is not too late. If it is, message is sent already, you know how we do. Sit down, pray, wait, and see. As always, we pray for the righteous person, and everyone knows and witnessed how much I ...

Friday, April 10, 2009

Lose it, chase it, too late to say goodbye

This time it will begin slow, unlike a rush-hour schedule. They say it mostly happens in the movies, will never bother to repeat the lyrics of a song like "you belong to me, I belong to me, la la la..." It is something else, and the sound of the keyword does not even bother me, because I take a deep breath and just move on to the next L train, but wait, not a good idea to leave my current spot, she may be coming, although we did not talk to meet, and if we meet, it will not be a date, and if it is not a date, we are no longer "flirting" As I look back and evaluate it, thus I conclude that I was like a rock hitting the all time low, and the most challenging yet irritating feeling is seeing the results of her projections about future which is the present now. I'd hate to accept the consequences, but it is very true, and I shall pray for her happiness once again to cleanse, tone, moisturize, protect, and maybe double cleanse myself to disable refreshing the old memories. The rec button doesn't work anymore, since it was very exhausted by recording the past years, and the technicians left the company, so there is nobody to take care of my camcorder. If she is alive and reading this single sentences mistakenly stuck between the paragraphs of this report, I lost her whom I chased for a very long time, and now I am sure, we both witness the same results, and if it is considered as sharing, then we receive full credit for it, because this is beyond sharing, it is feeling, it is living, and it is dying after each minute. The idea of getting more isolated to understand what really happened makes a lot of sense now, as I need to clarify each single breath I take and make sure it is not consuming any shared oxygen between us. Each module I embedded in my casual life is creating mixed feelings and many of them await for a quick proposal and many of them requires a good amount of patience. They don't know I am already evolving through her passage of light covering all sorts of feelings, beginning with lust where I am lost. A person of wisdom will come down and test my sincerity and now I know it is possible to keep this locked for a few more days when I will end up there to see her occasionally and of course unexpectedly, but I will follow some clues to satisfy my desire to try. Maybe I couldn't be a good captain of our boat when there was a lot of wind, and we had a choice to replace it with a yacht, but we keep the boat as I am too stubborn and she was too stubborn, so we found each other, though it is a known fact that opposite sides are supposed to pull each other. Reading is important to develop further phrases with shortened laces which will still qualify to make a know and keep us within the same boundaries. Indeed, anything happens between each other's countries seems to be a sum of our reflection of each other, as we look at the mirror and continue to see the one. I'd accept to lose her, then why am I repeating her name all the time, her name is just hidden under my tongue and if I shout out her name, I know she will not knock on my door, or ring my cell, or write me a message, or at least, I will receive a buyer inquiry for business in her country, and so I will accept it as a sign of invitation to check what's "really" going on since I am not really sure if she is gone-gone, and so I am done-done. I told her, or myself, that it only happens in the movies, and it did in the last movie which I was hesitating to watch for a very long time, because I knew that I'd see us there and then I'd cry so bad, and I did, and I am happy, because it was authentic, genuine, real, however you want to call it, and many important subjects were clearly pointed out towards my awareness which is too weak to hold on to the inner struggle, but rarely fails to protect it which makes the whole story rewind, and there is no choice to fast forward, well maybe sometimes, we can skip it. It is true that I am thinking, yet accepting the reality, but still faithful and praying for her well-being with me living as a regular human-being.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Miss it and kiss it goodbye

If we begin to list the top ten most bothering acts about internet is when I am unable to connect, and secondly, the low speed when browsing. I wish the frequencies come into action here as well, and then what I think and design about the next 10 seconds on internet will instantly happen, without using my fingertips, because I am tried, and the keyboard tells in very humanely. Unlike chatting, I am using proper language, well, as much as I can as a guest speaker compared to native English speakers. Speaking of speakers, I also wish I have two speakers right next to my ears, then I can tell how often my heart beats. Yes, I only listen to my Heart's radio. There is no earphones, since they disconnect us %100 from the outsiders. Inside the body, there is some juice. Imagine, the last most excited time you had. But, let me explain this excitement a little bit. It is not like seeing a sexy women, or a men. It is not like watching the birds fly, and you are on the edge of the cliff, and you imagine flying like a bird. It is not like opening your laptop, and your battery heats up in about 30 seconds, and your opening and closing times almost match with each other. It is not like taking a box of cigarettes and smoking them to death. And, it is not like closing your mouth when you immediately need to say how much you love one, (or another). This excitement could be summarized within the borders of your stomach, where your diet is unlike a coyote, most likely to be nothing. Yes, it is when you lose your appetite because you are all flamed up with the desire to meet the special one. I don't watch channel one, I don't buy the orange with the quantities of one, because I need at least four of them to make the juice out of it. So, I can stay healthy. And, now, imagine yourself placing all those hard copy, conventional and confidential photos into the album. Then, imagine you forget to include a few of them (like about 17 - exact number from today's experience/experiment). Then, you go back and take out almost half of the total quantity (like 60). So, then you place those missed ones into the correct order, and complete the whole album with a big smile on our face and begin to think how much double shift I spend on this album. Yes, it is exactly the same feeling and minutes lost for a women who is unable to understand my desire to meet her. Unlike double shift, maybe I did triple, or quadrople. But, now, today, at this minute, I decided to give up, because it is not worth it. Well, she may be worth it, of course, but my shifting is not worth it, while I am trying to stand out as a person to worth meet. Unfortunately, the internet still doesn't work, and it is mixing up my flavors to create a new juice called, call me. Yes, call me, but call me. Whenever. We message each other and then maybe massage each other if we decide to get married in the long run, or short run, or soon. But, the idea of calling each other is not like a whole wheat bread. We send messages, stop and think, then write a paragraph maybe, or quickly-walk-to-the-corner-and-pick-up-some-flowers-and-give-it-to-her type of messages. I may be rushing to another city in the next 12 hours, but it is between the lips of the person sitting at the desk of the airport, what an interesting feeling for a well-organized, full of full person. Yes, I am full because being half doesn't make any sense. I am thinking I am already full but we still gladly accept VISA, I mean the applications. Of course, there is no pay per view in our life. We invite, you think, we almost close the door due to strict office hours, and you decide to ring the bell to say goodbye, or I mean hello, or maybe just chill with no lyrics. I like today's dilemma with some fruitful welcome hello type of phrase. A "how are you?" stuck between "what's up girl?" and "how are you ma'am?"
What does the writers think in their real life? If I sit down in a cafe with Paulo Celho, and ask him why I am unable to find this specialty delicatessen while he is giving birth to wonderful stories after one another. With correct directions, I could go to Shanghai, but I would prefer to stop by "there" and just ask around what she is doing, and what she is upto? I kind of miss it but we already kiss it to say goodbye.

Monday, April 6, 2009

If I could Be you, and You Could be Me For Just One hour

Yes, quickly I escaped from the real life to the other dreamy trimmy world. Just a chilly monday today, and I am really sorry that I am unable to provide real time data for actual dates on this blog, because it is just not relative to the nature of our stories, so here we go:

Unlike making tea out of a tea bag, you let it sit for a while, release its real color, while there is hot water downstairs. Well, the neighbors wouldn't bother us, but I am curious about the next apartment, where a new couple just moved in. What do we understand from new-ness? If it is designed as an escape from the past, then I am not in for that. New-ness is a goal for me. The new body and soul is just heating up somewhere, and I am just not sure why the frequencies doesn't appeal to me yet.
It is a chilly monday, raining beauiful. However, don't look at the car after the rain. It looks very dusty. So, what's up? Rain is a reflection of beauty, but when it stops, then there is ugliness. Is it like you loving me, you are beautiful, and when you figure out we are not born to live together, you call it ugliness. It's a shame, and quote, "shame on you", which was one of her favorite phrases.
The world keeps rotating and there are lots of things we are still unsure about, and are afraid to ask for some reason. I may be calling some clients today, or simply emailing them, but the end would be maybe 50-50. Not all of them will reply back to me saying, say dear, we wanna Cafe a la Turca.. So, we have some level of expectation and the desire to reach our goals are motivating us, and thus living up to our realities. Hello, world! Just, press the send button, I will be gone now. Sorry, at this point, the back button on your browser, which will take you wherever you were before reaching here. However, if you prefer to stay, let me offer you some tea, made from real tea leaves, not being stuck in to those tea bags which are not as innocent as they look.
Those lyrics are perfect, and explaining the wholesome fact about my search for her.

If I could be you
And you could be me
For just one hour

If you could find a way
To get inside
Each other's mind

I wish I could really just get in her mind for 1 hour, ok make it 30 minutes, or even 1 minute. Yes, I am sure I can explain everything in one minute.

It is not like hitting the refresh button on your browser when you internet speed just doesn't keep up with your surfing, and the browser gives a "page load error"

I am not sure how many times I gave page load error for her. I kept refreshing the page, but she just didn't want to release her data from her host server. So, we keep getting the error page.

However, it is raining today, and it would be sweet to drink tea at 4pm on a Monday evening, getting ready to work until midnight. As a bachelor, there are no kids, no worries, but there are goals set for this week, this month, and until one single day, when I will meet her to read all these, and decide if we really deserve each other and make this world even a more peaceful, wonderful one, together, by sharing, without any harm, any guilt, any greed.

I love you. Hard to find, difficult to say, but just sounds good enough at this end of the post.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Long range missile test

I wish she is in the space center and tracking down all actions going on air. Latest news, show that N. Korea had a defiant launch of rocket. I already had a defiant launch of passion to talk to her, but there has been no luck. I just could not enter her orbit, although we supposedly belong to the same planet. It is not like Planet Hollywood and Planet Bollywood. I could wait outside and let her sip her last drink, and I will act like the valet parking guys, at least would not hesitate to shimmer/sweat.
She just doesn't want to drive, so I walk her to the next stop, let's call it the traffic light, but hurry up, because there is a pond of water, and any car could easily splash some of it on her beautiful outfit. It is casual, and life is relax, cool, homogeneous. But, I am just no genius enough to realize why I am walking with her, without asking if it is OK.
Last time, I text messaged for a while, even though I was on traffic, and nobody would understand the immediate reaction I have been experiencing after a very short, mostly me-about, talk over the famous phone. It was definitely not a clash of her Nokia with my Samsung. Indeed, we are using the same service provider, but fo' so' reason, I happen to receive no reply, no caution, no word.
The streets are singing "word up", and I still hesitate to conclude this long dilemma, because I am questioning the all-time low points received in this contest. I am not Miss Turkey, but I really would like her to be me the one I miss in Turkey. Face a face talk is always different and more mysterios than texting which is like paving the road with aspalth. Not a healthy choice, but as an appatizer, it is a supporting evidence for the stomach to become fuller and fooler.
The message never received, and I wonder if this week will enlighten some of the past with the clash of futuristic thoughts, so that my long-awaited, coming-soon-type of reply will be spicing up my upcoming minutes.
Whoever is writing the minutes in this relationship, let me tell you something.
It wasn't me, it wasn't me.
I just wanted to talk, and the origin of the content is far from being romantic, nor sarcastic.
It is just too ironic to speak to her, because it always seemed like I was ironing her bias about me. Each time, I'd stay the same, over and over.

Hello kitty, or puppy, or my sweet monkey!

Listen to me for one sec
But, just don't press the button for rec
If I have PC, you will change yours to Mac
Should I have any questions, I will just tic tac

The opposites pull each other
Whether we belong to the same weather channel
Let's keep the mutual benefit for me and her
Otherwise, I shall be the one staring at the gate of Suez Canal
Watching the ships pass by, and wait for her to come with the next cargo
She is compact, and accessible
I maybe just too irritating, so let me really watch the gate, to sweeten my way of capability to take some responsibility..open the gate, close the gate, open the gate, close the gate..
I just cannot figure out the timing of my gate..speak up my passion when it is time to shorten the words to conclude with a meet-up, but the words just keep flowing and simply postponing the closure of the gate to give access for a real face a face...

Feel like an aquarium without any fish

Yes, if no fish, no chips. Well, we are not in Vegas, playing poker, and I am not Lady Gaga singing the poker face, indeed I am doing some spring cleaning. It is a kingdom of boredom to see the aquarium without any fish. Even one? There was one, long-live fish, gone now. It's been almost 3 years, a supposedly long time to hang out. Now, I see only the green plant, a proof of Oxygen, a proof of life still circulating inside. If there is life, why not enrich it with a couple, chasing each other.
I am a mess without her, and she just doesn't understand, but I am not sure who is she. I very much feel like Paulo Coelho's situation in the middle of the book of Zahir. It is a must to get to know each other, but before, get to know yourself, what I really want, and how I will be able to accomplish it. Singing too much, and letting the other side simply listen to it does not really help. It is not like carrying the grocery bags all the way down from 52nd street to intersection of 2nd Avenue and 5th street. The days are over with traditional love fool loose systematics. There is a different strategy, and the best obsession release point would be design a special gift, unlike anything being sold on market. Found out about a cheap toy, but I should be the one to ornament it to look meaningful. For the dimensions, it deserves the cheap price tag, but for the capabilities of it, receives 5 star from me. Didn't try it yet, but unsure about the coincidences to be faced after the gift. I wish there is a mirror, and a person of wisdom behind it. Whenever I speak to myself, there would be keywords appearing on the window, like a virtual board. Then, I would click on it by hand, and it will take me through further stream of thoughts to conclude with a beautiful end. Of course, the end would be a new beginning to row the boat towards her, but if the current is upward, and I am trying to reach to her waiting on the opposite site, what else is being offered. What are my options? It is not like playing poker now. Neither, it is stock market. I feel like wall street, but it is Sunday, so there is dead silence. No food cart, no coffee scent, no sneakers decorating the feet of business suits. There is no rush today, but tomorrow, and the day after. I am ashamed of the unstoppable amount of speech I had a few days ago through a series of SMS (text messages), and the worst case scenario happened without any single reply. Not a single one. Nada. Zero. Over. Or what? It is like carrying the baggages of a beautiful lady from the taxi cab to her room on 25th floor, and receive zero tip, not even a kiss. Only a sole frozen face with a simple "bye"
I am thinking about taking the emergency exit, and climb the stair this time, all the way up 25th floor, and in the meantime I will think about what I would tell to this beautiful lady on a Monday morning breakfast serve. It is not open buffet this time, and I am feeling difficult to keep the costs minimum. It is quite ironic to be full of choices, but offering only bread and cream cheese. The tea is not unlimited, and it is a tea bag with a glass of hot water.
I wish there is a bird carrying some messages, because I am not keeping up with the technology of text messages, as I receive zero reply out of the last series of maybe 5, or 10. I don't remember, but if I would be her, I would click and press the delete button immediately after reading it, because the complete 5th season was a drama, and should be awarded by Emmy.
Gotta press the enter button a few more times, so the whole story will fly me to the moon, and let me be among the stars. If Frank Sinatra hears me, please prepare some shooting stars for tonight, as I really want to speak open and check with her what's up. I promised to myself, not to fall in love this time, but it is like walking on the broken glass with bare feet and the exit door is only on this direction. Well, I don't want to be the single green plant in the aquarium. There is no guarantee that my oxygen will survive forever without feeling the warmth of the fish.
Forget the chips, and just order the drinks. I will talk now. It has been a long time, and I have absolutely no idea about her, but why am I deconstructing the bridges that she was trying to build together. What is the rush?
Well there is a rush, because papa is almost at the age of a grandpapa and he deserves some grandchildren to play with, and in the meantime, I shall be moving forward to put some brick and stone as soon as possible, because there is just too much good things to do, with a single of hope, the other side will not discriminate it. For example, if you plant a tree, the nature will never discriminate your kind behavior, but when you help a person for his study, after graduation, that person may become a very ignorant one. So, the hope is always planting to good seeds to have a fruitful life with fruitful business with fruitful love.
The four letter word hardly comes out of my mouth nowadays, because I preserve it way below my heart, maybe below my feet, inside my socks. It is such a passionate feeling that if initially released, it is very dangerous and scary for the other side to witness and experience the reality - a simple combination of 4 letters, love.
I don't love you, and I will maybe love you later, but I cannot guarantee. It is a world class, 7-star hotel fact that the love will be generated as a result of good times and good transition of thoughts between each other. Otherwise, please don't assume freebies from me. There is none left, as Zahir killed almost all of them. Well, I destroyed most of it, personally, as I acted like petrol under the ground, when she tried to dig it, I never stopped to release the long-preserved petrol. Days, months, years...and now, it is gone. I was assuming the futuristic come back of her, but as I am in the middle of the book, I simply want to figure out what I really want. It is a need, and it is a must at the same time. When two people like each other, the whole world become happy. There is nothing like experiencing the sexiness of mind besides the body. The quality of talk is highly preferred to the quality of the body because the attraction of bodies are now highly commercialized with many irritating products on the market. The idea of perfume was started by a French person using it in the toilette, that's why it is called, Eau de Toilette. Then, it became so attractive, to be used for daywear, and also night. But, when the idea of one special scent that is the closed scent to the body odor, the market was burst out with many kinds. It is a disgusting feeling to try to attract the other side with such products. Where is the mind match? I will come back to my argument which is the transfer of thoughts via frequencies emitted from each mind, and those frequencies had tags that are matched with anyone "available" anywhere around yourself. I may send a satellite to the outer space and design such system and hold the monopoly initially, then sell/rent the shares one by one. I would love to imagine this system with the expert of space, and so called- Light, but as I said, the messages were never replied, thinking that I overflowed. Now, there is silence, like the green plant in the aquarium, and I am obsessed with the feeling of finding, seeking, and waiting at the same time. I am not lovin' it, because I am not McDonald's, but I am simplified, more than ever, after this short circuit of feelings.

Friday, April 3, 2009


It was Friday, and many people crawled to the mosque for the traditional Friday meeting. There was one life-ordinary reason for all the crowd to be there. It is always a beautiful moment to witness all people gather up for a common reason. It could be another moment for rescuing people from the quake, or a disaster. However, that would require careful knowledge, and it wouldn't be beautiful indeed. It could also be for a reason to plant one tree per person to reduce their CO2 emission contribution to the world. In fact, it is all for the beauty of meeting up. The unfortunate story begins when groups of people are meeting up, two people cannot meet face to face. There could be another story behind this incapable meet-ups, but why not clarify it to the face of the other person, this is sad. We were born to talk, discuss and decide, then talk and discuss further if we are having a life far away from the monotonous ones, like sitting it the garden all day, etc. Was a big fan of using the eye contact rather for talking, which would create an eternal moment to transfer all thoughts simultaneously. The transfer of frequencies is coming very soon. Honda recently developed a robot applying human frequencies instantly. Now, imagine yourself sitting in the restaurant, and your attraction drives into the cafe area. You are a bit far, but just by eye contact, your thoughts are send, like text message to the brain, directly, no middleman! What a wonderful world. The result is not expected to be drama all the time, but the interaction of these two people is a swift, uno, dos, tres, por que, muchos gracias, bon sois avec moi.

Japan Unveils Mind Control Robot

Used to be sending snail mail, then emails, now text message, what's next! I firmly guarantee my point, and it is coming soon. We already know what we are looking for if we have a normal working mind. It is constantly producing thoughts and most often thinking about the past. Imagine you meet up frequencyclically (there is no word like this, I just created one, fresh, home-made). The whole story about matching, social websites will be a scandal after this revolution. There is no lies. All real. No hidden stories. Imagine the frequencies can differ what you think is real vs. lie. Is it all necessary to meet up with this special person to go through thinking about these? I guess, meditating for the moment and clear out the thoughts will work like flushing the toilet and start from a new page, unlike reading the book, you are writing your own book. When these all get organized and gathered around one common reason, it will be a film.

Hit The Road Jack

Not really in need of hitting the new post button, but need to release some pressure off from the top of my red hat. I don't know if referring to the original character in Coelho's book, Zahir, will be a hospitable behavior, I cannot leave it alone. In the last few days, the treats are coming and coming. As if she is right behind the door, but just not appearing, or somehow the frequencies are flowing between us, but we are just not aware of the proof of delivery. There is no tracking code for our feelings and behaviors. It just happens, and it happens for a reason. Personally, it wasn't me to make this decision but I guess I deserved this living since she experienced this for almost five years. Is that for a reason again? People sacrifice their minutes and days, most often years for one simple reason: build their life. But, why did my life get deconstructed as I was putting the building blocks slowly but surely. That's a pity, and there is an answer waiting for me to hear, unfortunately the time still bares for the next train to come and see if it is on schedule. I never had a chance to study her and come up with a conclusion. The end just never occurred, just as we think it just ended, indeed it never did. Or did it? I would say sure, it is over, but the last few days, maybe almost a week, those feelings were seem to be reserved specially for her. I didn't have much gas in the tank, but I will drive, and still check how many more km I could take. Then, I need to fill up the gas tank again, then drive, then live up to the same experiences/regulations. I used to write better than this, just omit the "don't knows" and "buts", then it would be a better world, I think. If we want something so much, and this just doesn't happen, then is there any court we can apply and check the latest status of our request, and see if we qualify to deserve it. It is not a desert, or a pineapple juice. It is pure and dig the ground, you will find it there. For a very long time, I have been thinking about digging the ground at the height of myself, my eye level will be the zero point of the Earth. Then, you realize where do we start and where do we go exactly. There are lots of signs around and I just need an interpreter, because I don't play objective. I have some bias and I think it is mostly positive, but being positive doesn't bring those...Why is it impossible to hear a few words from Zahir? I know talk is cheap and the rates are all time low nowadays. The currency rates should be revisited and talk should be added in the comparison chart. I don't need a 3-month delayed payment, or a credit card. I want to work cash, but the cashier just closed, and the next opening will be tomorrow. Just imagine those hard moments when you felt absurdly crazy about losing your time. Now, I will simply go back and read this over and over, then toast it, put it in the freezer, then microwave it. Stop! What a rush! I am going to the field and pick up some fresh greens, put some olive oil on it, that's it. What a pleasure on earth! Where is Zahir? All mixed up, and still asking the authorities for a simple response. It shall come. Soon...