End of May is just the beginning of MY..

It is the end of May, date 31st.
But, tomorrow we will begin from the 1st, and this first will be stronger and more fresh..

Cafe Familia welcomed the idea of Cafe a la Turca de Zahir, more than ever.

Now, awaiting news from the other side of the ocean.

There is no more bottles floating over the sea.

My message is not stuck in a bottle, it is all over.

Now, it is the time.
Tomorrow is not another today.

Of course, the future will have reflections of the past and present, and we have the energy to cleanse by communication because we believe.

Everybody has a lot to share for sure. Just need the platform, we all have the mics and speakers ready.

It was only me, now it is the full house asking you darling:

"Are you ready?"

28 may - Azərbaycanın Respublika günü & 29 may - Conquest of Istanbul (Fall of Constantinople)

Yesterday, 1918 was the foundation of Azerbaijan.
Today, 1453 was the conquest of Istanbul.
Tomorrow, 2009 will be just another day of dreaming for her, but feeling the guilt to row this boat faster and faster to conclude this journey with happiness we both deserve.
Thinking about all the obstacles both our countries passed up until now, my struggle is nothing compared to these historical moments. But, when my struggle becomes "our" precious struggle, it is worth a candidate for Oscar, or Cannes, whichever film festival you will nominate us.

Note: This should be posted yesterday, but the computer got locked, so please date this post as 29th May. I wish, as the narrator I can also make some bigger changes in dates like making today mid-July, and ....., well never mind.

Inbounds

If I am the only ball in the stadium and each others families are simply playing games, and you, the Zahir, is just sitting in the lobby seat eating caviar and watching the game with a binocular to check every punches and kicks I get all over my circular body, this is not fair.

The weather is fair in Baku today, but this is not fair.

Now, she is on my background of the laptop, and I kiss the screen every once in a while. I hope the screen doesn't contain any hazardous pieces that will conquer my body entering from my lips through my heart, and then easily kill my love, my love to hold on to this stressful life playing soap opera type games, unlike the ongoing match in the stadium.

Same feeling fills the blanks in my mind as I look back at the picturesque buildings going with the ferry crossing Bosphorus. But, I see the sunshine when I look at the front, it was early Wednesday, just coming back from a drop-off to airport.

Making 140km with the car, is fine, but when I reach to 160km, it gets windy, and I hardly handle. I have to watch my front, because any mistake turn will heavily move the car to any side. I also keep my rear mirror and check back, if there is any other fast car following me and or trying to pass me. I am not stubborn to keep the left lane busy, or be the king of this particular lane waving all the cars on my right. Though, I am stubborn to be the king and try to make her my queen, because she long deserved it, and there is no equivalent king around her that will make her queen. Let's make it prince and the princess, because this title is more adorable for such a beauty. Queen may make her look old.

I have to print her photo right away, because I cannot continue to kiss the screen. I keep her present of traditional Azeri beads under my pillow every night to dominate my dreams with her interference, and last night she was holding my hands again, even more stronger. I wonder what Jannah and Omar will think of this, when they sit on my laps and do not have any idea what obstacles were put in front of their big Hello to this cosmic land, so called "The Earth"

I wish they also take a photo from the space and see which lovers are the most passionate towards each other, and I wonder if they will be able to see the thermal heat transfer between them. From Istanbul to Baku, if it is quite a distance, and I believe the heat will be still red enough to be seen clearly from the outer space. The long distance may uniformly distribute it, so the redness may lose some hue or saturation, but as I said, I feed it every second, but kissing her photo, or falling into dreams at night, or just seeing her anywhere I look. She was reflected on the tap in the morning. I had a very bad face in the morning, just woke up from a long sleep, due to a tiring 2-day work. But, the tap was smiling to me, ready to wash my face, and prepare me for another unexpected and full-of-not-enough-time work day. There is no office hours for me, just like there is no love moments for me for now. I create these moments on my own, send short RSS feeds to her heart without receiving any wavelengths from the Western shores of the Caspian sea. I feel the readiness of the dish we will eat together, but I am very cautious not to forget any spices and drinks. My no-dessert fight still continues, though my arms are quite weak always typing but not throwing any balls to the hoop and practice. I go out, I promise, and I will shoot the ball 1,000 times every morning. For the first few days, my arms will sore, but they should be ready to carry your heavily filled heart from any distance. My mind and heart are all ready, just physically I guess, the arms should be more muscular in order to carry your heart, as I say..

Your heart which was subject to many breaks, some due to my fallacies, some due to cosmic failures, and some just happened for no reason maybe. But believe me, I also had breaks and maybe for manhood reasons, these breaks are now strongly reconstructed like a gas pedal. We shall move on, Jannah and Omar are waiting impatiently. I have a small car for now, but as I said, it could go 160km and more.

I am pressing the gas pedal, and I have my seatbelt on, don't worry.

I am coming, don't worry, but please keep your arms open.

I open my arms wide and they are on the last stage to be sufficiently muscular.

I am driving 160km and more..

Please let us drive smoothly from now on...

RSS Feeds To Her Heart

I just want to send instant RSS feeds to her heart, no matter what time.

Dreaming?

Hello, I was just on my way, still I catch you in your dreams :)

Working?

Hello, I just wanted to check if you need tea, coffee, something?

Cooking?

Hello, I just wanna watch you cooking, I am not hungry, really.

Walking?

Hello, I just want to..well, just want to be your shadow, for now.

Missing?

Hello, I am missing, too. Could we try to click the search button one last time?

Fajr

The fasting time of Ramadan is approaching, and summer is yet to begin its high temperatures very soon.

Something very important. It was like a warning.

I heard from my friend, "Don't forget Fajr".

It was true that I was very inclined to follow every fajr, at least decided to follow after one try, and most of the time that try was a result of a sleepless night.

It is never easy to wake up so early and do your prayer. And, it is never easy to love a girl who is all surrounded with pessimistic clouds washing her brain every second. It is not as bad as acid rain, and I am getting very anxious because each day there is some sort of news, or a story I hear about her beautiful country, and I keep fasting and let myself clear from any type of dessert, only fruits are allowed, since the real dessert is her eyes.

Eating 4 baklava equals to a sneak peak to her eyes.
Eating 1/2 kg of baklava equals to watching her a few miles away from her.
Eating 1kg of baklava equals to staring her.
And so on...

I don't want to eat baklava.

I want to invite us into the kitchen of the most famous baklava house in Turkey and just begin to produce together. We are only allowed to consume the time ahead of us, quite economically. We already crossed out the things that do not appeal to us, like shouting, or arguing for very small details like mini skirt, etc. As I look back, it was very childish, whereas there is a very bright life beyond that..

Here is the call of the prayer, and it is 8.32pm in the city of Istanbul. What a beauty we are all donated to have a full variety of beautiful voices of imams calling the athan from each minaret. Even for a person hesitant for prayers, it is a celebration to stop for a moment and think once again that we will finally say goodbye to this world. For some of us, it is just a plain craziness, some greed with some joy. All I could verify is to keep each string tight enough not to let anybody down. Seconds are passing, and I have a few shopping bags to fill before we arrange the final countdown.

I love her and I love everyone who is around her, and I just don't understand why there is no single volunteer around her encouraging her to say a few words about us, that's plain pain

I am done with listening to this music. I want action, and I want this Bosphoruse canal to merge and make the European side join the Asian side. I don't want those big container ships to pass by anymore. They are dangerous for our relationship. Those big "uncertainities"

I can favor a mysterious faced girl on Fashion TV, but in the next couple of seconds, I will forget her name. Same story with anybody I would come across in this life. Just a short breeze in the air, whereas I continue to cry her name at least ten times in every hour or so. Still, it is not enough.

This sunday was a terrible day. Horrible moments without any single branch to hold on. Forced myself to sleep, and finally I had a chance to find her, and thanks to Allah that she was holding my hand, but not yet looking at my face.

Then I remember holding her pursue at the ATM. That was an eternal moment. That was a simple declaration of our togetherness, behaving naturally like we are one person, and we understand each other.

There is just too many options in the market, and why I don't hesitate to continue to fight.

Is it love?

Is it obsession?

....

It is life.

There is just one earthy life happening now, and almost 24 years past without the flame.
As they do in pre-historic times, we tried to create the flame together, but the rush of 21st century washed us over and all the dilemmas, bias, misunderstanding took us way back.

Now, I don't even accept the match, or a lighter.

I am already like a volcano, and I say no to those who will try to take us apart. It was a challenge, and each game has a life cycle. It could be 90 minutes in a soccer match, or 40 minutes for a basketball match.

It has been 24 years and it is getting late. If there is one life to live and share, it is all yours, my Zahir. Whatever you like, however you feel.

Everything seems meaningful when it is shared. Today, I don't eat the dessert, tomorrow I may not eat anything other than soup. And, soon, I may just drink water. Last, I may just shut my mouth. And, then?

Simple goodbye to the earthy passions and desires...

If there is time to fight, I was aware of this time period since the biggest departure four years ago. Each minute, I tried to progress, rather than sitting in one office and follow the guidance of the manager and stay at the same exact point of business all my life.

I progress, I am having a progressive love.

It is plain pleasure to meet you in my dreams for now, and then I will wake up very early in the morning with the responsibility to fulfill the day with everything needed to be accomplished in order to progress one more step towards getting you.

Yes, it is getting you. Becuase, I want you, and anybody witnessing these words are aware of the volcano.

Please don't let it sit so long, 'cos I want to give us a birth before the day of my birth.

"Seni Çok Seviyorum."*

*I love you very much

The title speaks for itself.

It is 10.12pm, and when I get back home the day would be over, and for sure, she will be sleeping. From the first sneak peak to the day in the morning with a sudden crash of love just like the top of an ice-cream with some caramel sauce, or chocolate, you decide.

It is 10.14pm, and when I get back home, the night would be almost over, and for some reason, she will not show up, or just hiding under the pillow.

It is getting very late, and I keep swimming until I reach to the island where we are only allowed to take three things (that I already decide).

They are...

Zahir,
Zahir,
and
Zahir

Failed to Load

Of course, when I have lots of enthusiasm to write, the weather report for Baku fails to load. What would you think? Yes, ironically, there is no news from Baku, yet, although a report has been filed a few hours ago.

I found out why I am obsessed with this particular woman.

She is more than a woman!

She is a friend, she is a mom, she is a girl, she is a celebrity, she is a prayer, she is everything. And, just like a candy for a child, or a hot oven for an old pal, she is unreachable, for now.

The uncertainty hurts not only her, but also me. As I approach to the certainty slowly, she is also drifting away from me, or just escaping to the "reality".

So, what is real?

Is it hidden behind the castle of your surroundings? What is it?

I am getting more hectic, yet still humble to embrace the eternal end.

How would you like the end? Or, to be continued.

Please, skip the commercial, I didn't record these moments, I know, I am just living it, but I should have a chance to move fast forward. Yes, as fast as possible. We are not traveling on the camel back anymore. Well, take the plane, still it is slow. Why she is not living next door? How would you feel if you fall in love with a women living next door, and you NEVER have a chance to see her. No talks, nothing.

Only a simple good morning around 6am every once in three months. I'd exaggerate and make this one year, but three months is fair enough.

So?

Would you be obsessed like me and feed your passion with almost nothing happening, just by imagination and prayers?

The phone will not ring, never, of course.

I don't expect any reply, of course.

I am just getting ready for the next step, make a global "warming."

This should work, if all post offices will be loyal to each other, and for once in a lifetime, they will deliver their letters on the same exact date.

I don't expect this to happen, but hope all letters will be delivered.

My kids will see the postcard on the wall of the kitchen, and verify how crazy I am and she is.

Her craziness has been proven in the past, but for now, she is in fact dead silent.

Being dead silent, doesn't mean her love is dead. It has been buried according to her surroundings, but..

It is unlike a VISA card, not every shop accepts my type of passion. Fortunately.

I opened an account in her bank, and I owe lots of work for her special arrangement since I am not a citizen of this ...

Glad to know they still sell flowers. I thought, I would just download a program in my cell phone, and send a text message when I come next to her. No talks, just text messaging. Only max. 10 characters are allowed. Unlike ordinary 160 characters or so.

Only 10.

What would I say?

I love you is too classic and will be meaningless.

I hate you is saved for the moments when we remember our past struggles together.

"I and You for Ever" makes more than 10 characters, I guess, I don't count it now, I will not count it, because I know what I am gonna say.

"Merhaba"

It means "Hello" in Turkish.

Yes, a simple "merhaba"

Guess?

Not much, it is just like reaching the shore after fighting with all the storms in the ocean ALONE.

From now on, togetherness will secure a common interest in further storms and pleasures which are eventually combined to make up this world around us.

Dear Zahir,

Merhaba!

Sinking in tenderless gulfs

Y: Oh, you are back.
C: I've been in line waiting all day, so what's up?
Y: Same o' same, any news?
C: For sure, as expected, nothing!
Y: Still sinking right?
C: I told you, if I sink, it will be the Caspian Sea, so my scent will add a flavor to the usual odour of petrol. Locals will be confused which scent is more precious, but the climate of unconsciousness and unknown end will never disappear.
Y: What do you mean?
C: I will always love her. No matter what, I am fully dedicated as I am counting down my last seconds.
Y: Did you dive before?
C: Yes, it was about 50 ft above the sea, from a cliff down to a meteor pit. I was feeling great at the end, but don't ask me how and why I decided to jump, the height was pretty scary.
Y: Why do you keep waiting?
C: For what?
Y: For...you know...a sound from the East. I know, we all know, the Sun rises from the East, and they wake up before us, they go to bed while we make our supper, or eat a late nite snack, oh well, maybe doing the night time prayer, etc. So, they are one step further from us. You seem to be chasing her, but you know what I mean. Maybe, like... Somebody, a competitor, there is just so many there, you know, all man, perfect men, rich men, this men, that men..
C: Stop, wait a second!
Y: You seem to begin a certain motion of wave, but then it suddenly stopped, and..
C: Do you ever give up?
Y: ....why...?
C: Do you ever give up when you hustle and struggle so much so long?
Y: Well, I play logical, I make my moves, if I am about to lose, I just leave it there, and move on.
C: So, you are afraid to lose?
Y: Well, sort of!
C: I am not. I want to win, and I am stubborn, more than ever. It is like playing chess in the World Championship, and I feel like I am representing both countries at the same time, since I hear no notice of breath from her.
Y: It is difficult.
C: We all have two choices. Difficult and easy. Sometimes, they mix it, and we happen to get a mild one, not sour, nor sweet.
Y: Are you still cooking?
C: Not until, we have our own kitchen.
Y: We?
C: We are the champions? Remember the song.
Y: Forever?
C: Until the last breath.
Y: What was the song's title? Or the verse? Breath in breath out..
C: I have a couple of friends, but I hesitate to ask them, because that Russian song seems to be overload of love that they may not be able to handle and lose the feeling of pure translation to me. But, I read a rough translation, and I almost get what is going on there. It is not as much as I live with my Zahir, still somehow relative story.
Y: What is your reaction? Or, let's put it this way. What is you re-action?
C: Life is a cycle, and we need to unload some of our bags of behavior, especially those behavior that hurts our relationship. I thought that I left them in the US, but I just realized about a couple of them. I have a few weeks until I cleanse, tone, moisturize and protect my skin from those bags. They are in the Bosphorus, and the strong current will take it either to the Black Sea or the Mediterrean.
Y: Did you eat "dolma"?
C: Do you smell it?
Y: Well, yeah, was it delich?
C: Not the olive oil type, it was with meat, so little heavy, but a usual ceremony of celebration by the stomach. Maybe a little surprise travel of "dolmas" with a smooth wind from Istanbul to Baku, what do you think?
Y: The olive oil may leak. Risky.
C: Life is already risky with all the surrounding "we" have treating "our" relationship somehow weird, out of the world.
Y: Did you report to NASA?
C: Yes, they are arranging a special vacation house for "us", so we will just get away and watch "them" from the outer space and send our prayings. Of course, this is science fiction. The real drama begins when two families meet.
Y: You are funny.
C: Life is funny, after all the struggle we live and weight our passion with the patience we bear until the last moment we keep each other's breath in breath out.

Drop on the spoon or in the ocean?

Do you have empathy? You could be sympathetic, though do you also put yourself in others shoes when you judge them? I don't feel like to speak about our different "courts" of justice. But, I really feel like feeling like a drop in your surrounding, anywhere, a small pond next to your apartment as a result of yesterday's rain, or a drop in Caspian Sea, or another (lemon) drop on your eating spoon for the last night's soup.

Nobody asked my ticket when I entered the theater, and nobody directed me to my seat. Nobody seated me, and nobody said "pardon" when they walk to their seats in front of me. Is it being nobody in the community, or being somebody in your own world. It was like being a single drop. Please, don't let your tears drop anymore, because I just cleaned the floor, when I say single, it is like one single apple, like being two in one. Otherwise, I need to put the sign "Caution: Wet Floor"

I just don't want any one of us to drop anymore. The two halves of the apples are losing their freshness. Could you please pass me the lemon, I shall squeeze a few drops to keep it fresh. Yes, lemon please. It is sour, I know, but the oasis is not for us. We shall move on to reach to our cozy waterfront. Check out the ocean, walk in the beach, or dive into the forest to meet some other creatures. They all know about us, don't worry, we are not going to be strangers.

It was a single drop for about 1,700 days ago. Now, it is an ocean, and the global warming doesn't affect us somehow. Please, pass me the salt, I know it is not that healthy, but I will add some salt on this most recent lemon drop, because it is very sour, because you still hesitate!

Let's avoid the salt, and stay healthy.

Let's pick up the lemons from the tree on our backyard, and begin to seize the special moment when those lemons turn from green to yellow. We need to catch the seconds together, short sentences, but powerful words...Is it love?

I am sorry!

I am sorry that when I should stay up and do the night prayer, I put myself into sleep.
I am sorry that when I had a chance to take a break from sleep at 2.30am, I forced myself to sleep.
I am sorry that when I was about to wake up at 7.20am, I preferred to sleep.
Sleep, sleep, sleep...

Shed your light on my eyes, so I could cut my sleeping time and invest in our future.

I don't want to sleep anymore!

Departed or Deported

Unlike seeing the other driver with the sunglasses on the rear window, and then remember that I forgot to wear mine, I never happen to see the couples walking on the street as a reminder for my Zahir. I prefer to watch my back as I drive, as it shows my past. Inshallah, I am pretty sure about my future as I grow my imagination within the realm of possibilities. Still, we are not sure about the next second in our lives, that's true. It is a virtue to look at the past and digest it well enough to avoid the same mistakes happen in the future.

I am digesting now.

It is getting a little bit late, I know, but I am eating slow.

The reflections continue to grow at any second, thanks to Allah we have those prayers to keep us on track protecting us from the jealous eyes of others. The story of the evil eye is very much related to the jealousy of others, it is sort of protection.

Some words make the eyes cry, some eyes merely tell the words. As soon as I see her, I shall not talk, because my wholesome face will tell everything about how upset I feel about the failures in the past, and how passionate I desire for the future.

Some feelings are being deported, some of them are and will be well-departed for the trip.

It is a trip of life, and the clock is still ticking since the first time I looked at her.

Testimonials

Of course, at the top of the list we have:

"I love her" with "I want her happiness" in addition to "I can make her happy" and "I will do everything for her"

The rest of the testimonial will be needless. It would be like searching for the needle in the sack of hay.

Watching the wild life is laying some groundwork for our behavior. As we all know, the biggest danger for the wild life is man. In our relationship, I see the distance as the biggest danger for us. Though, if we look from the optimistic side, it was a lot further before. In these days, we are just stretching it, and try not make our lives as wild. At the end, we are also mankind, but we have beautiful minds to "make good decisions" as one of teachers used to say.

I don't try to make this film "action & cut" all the time. We had quite a bit of cuts in the past. It is time for some genuine action. It is not deep frozen. These actions have deep roots underground, and they have been growing for more than 1,700 days. Even one second seems a lot today, how did these days pass by? How many stars we counted as we were sitting on the bench? How many airplanes we've seen and show it to each other, as the sky was too large and our eyes were like radar to point out the airplane before each of us.

She is the finest image and the beauty in this natural world as we are all governed by this usual natural selection process. This is a natural behavior from a romantic side. If you lift the carpet, don't be afraid, there is no dust, as I clear out my hatred to this distance every second. There is no argument with the coincidences and consequences. It is plain challenge, and I am slowly preparing my 4x4 truck to drive us together. We shall go to Africa to see the meerkat manor, they are cute. Maybe, they have something to tell us for our future. Enough with the Turkish Coffee grounds which keep getting us closer, but still we are apart. As I continue to slip my tongue and drop some feelings into this well, I hear no sound. I always believed that I put all my energy to stock enough struggle to last forever.
What is the worst struggle in this survival of the fittest world?
Is it being apart and growing the world's largest botanic garden with your tears?
or, is it living a happy, very happy, the happiest life in front of "jealous" eyes?

Our tears have been flowing to Caspian Sea for a while, and we are about to beat the smell of the petrol. Things are changing, world is still moving, and we are aging, thus we are changing as well.

In our house, I will put out a history timeline and specify each important date, sometimes referring to each others passport, sometimes quoting the messages we sent to each other. This timeline will personalize the past, and keep us stronger. The kids will see this and ask why? We will all blame me, of course. I had the key to open the door within the palm of my hands, but I dropped it as I flew back to the US for some "ambitions", but I never ever forget and change my original destination. Still, "us" is within the realm of possibilities, and "I" shall continue hard to bring the Zahir back on track, this time with the most concrete plans ever.

Don't judge us as the best engineers in life. We just need a shelter, but I wanted to build a multi-story villa where we can have our dog barking outside, organic fresh veggies and fruits growing. This is not a dream, but includes some imagination, and it is the same amount of positive energy built up the imagination after the moment I saw the Azerbaijan flag in the basketball/tennis court on campus in the middle of a dessert where you will not consider such a meeting.

As I watched the wild life series on BBC, there was one observer/researcher who followed gorillas for 10 years. After five years of patience, gorillas admitted him as a part of their family, and never bothered. He just follow, never get aggressive, same colors of clothes. As he says, in the beginning it was impossible. Everything seems impossible in the beginning. We as a community make those requirements, like going to college, getting a job, sweating 9-6pm, and etc. In the meantime, we don't mind to think about the "other" side, those have dreams.

I dreamed for this life, and I will keep the 4x4 truck with good maintenance until I am ready to drive from Istanbul to Baku for 1,100 miles (around 1,700 km)

The observers are so accustomed to the past failures, the clouds are never disappearing to let the sun during the day, and moon during the night illuminate our way. The patience is a virtue, but I need a hand to continue fighting. My windscreen wipers are quite fast, but the clouds are dropping so much rain that I am unable to see the front. Please, help me get away with the "others" continuous passion to make decisions for our lives, and let me drive securely. No matter what, I am stubborn and determined as a natural goal-oriented person. The goal is not a single event of wedding. The goal is to provide a life we deserve together.

There will be struggles in the future, and this is the way of life. But, please stop growing more pessimistic clouds, as I just raised my red flag, because I am about to sink down the Caspian Sea.

Each happening is a trial to find her reflection. Driving on the highway, researching on the internet, listening to music, eating breakfast, walking on the seaside, everything. There she is, there I am. We are essentially not migrating birds, but we can let some of our feelings to migrate and then open up some space for embracing happiness. Please be relieved, nobody is perfect, but we can be aware of our fallacies, and try to patch them. As I said before, there is not enough light to film, so let's move on and carry the gray clouds away, far away, until we are together, then we can fight with those gray clouds together, even by talking over the phone. Compared to the wild life flirting, mine is neither wild, nor chill. I just need an idea of how big is this ocean of blue, because I am almost lost within this blue, but I hear no sound from the city of Baku.

OK, there is sound, and it came right on time, as I was having the worst 5 minutes of my life over the phone. This footage is taken in Baku, Azerbaijan, in front of the Government House which has a magnificent architecture.

Dance of the Fountains in front of the Government House in Baku, Azerbaijan

In this post, I also like to share the lyrics of the song - "Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars"

The biggest question is being asked in this song, as well.

Would you lie with me and just forget the world? Because, it is the world so far playing its tricks and putting building blocks in front of us. Patience. Not many blocks left to clear, and we all know the time is still ticking. Yes, I know very much, I guess we both know the value of time.

"Chasing Cars"

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Push-Button World

If it is scheduled, there is no problem. But, when it is a surprise visit, it is ruining her life.

This is a push button world.

It begins cracking my head as soon as I push the power button of my laptop. It is sick. Just too many feelings, yet only a few of them deserved a space here.

I always wonder what happens to the tap water when we turn it off. How does the water feel? Just because you have the control to release it, the water has no right to decide? Does the water want to come out, or move into different taps through different pipes? Does it have a certain route of flow? Which tap is the favorite one? And, the most important question is; hot or cold?

If I am the water in her apartment's pipes, I don't mind to be filtered, or heated, or put in the refrigerator, as long as I end up seeing her. If I am the pipe connected to her tap, I will be keeping my body stainless steel and avoid the rust.

It is a push button world, we love, we hate, and we forget.

Indeed, my world doesn't allow any lover's game. I could be now thrown out of her galaxy, and be treated as Pluto, whereas she is the Venus. Yes, it is quite a bit of distance between us, temporarily.

I am slowly entering her galaxy, and soon I will be the Jupiter with a circle around my belly. Oh, no, I don't belly-dance, please! But, that circle could be the stars circling around my head after her shouting over the phone. It created some significant dizziness.

Would you like some tea?

Well, I miss her "shirin" tea. It is sweet, yet no sugar, only served with natural jam.

Is there any dessert after the meal?

Well, sorry, I have no appetite to celebrate. I only eat to survive. It is not a pleasure unless it is shared with her. Of course, it is always a grateful moment, whereas millions are starving outside. But, don't you realize how many people are starving for a strong, trustworthy, sincere, honest, emotional, powerful relationship. The targeted ads for "matching" services are rising. I don't understand how come I can think of somebody else when I am starving for her presence. And, inshallah when we are together, how come I can think of somebody else when I am praying to Allah everyday for making my ("our") dreams come true.

Who is that somebody else?

and, Why?

I am driving in the traffic, and somebody is harassing everyone in the traffic by breaking the rules and using the emergency lane. Where is all those humane feelings we all supposed to have somewhere hidden in our mind over belly or under belly, whichever is preferred.

I am driving in the traffic, and I will not harass anyone by using the emergency lane.
I am simply waiting for the weather calm down and see the blue.

It will be blue, it has to be blue, because this sorrow should not continue forever. We all have lives to live, lips to kiss, feet to dance, hands to touch, eyes to meet, etc.

There is one phrase - Loving the Creator due to the creations.

It is a blank page without her. But, we have so many thoughts to share that the expected life period should be barely enough for us to fill those blank pages together. We all created those blank pages together, like putting the flour and making bread in the oven. They are fresh, and as I posted yesterday, we shall illuminate the world together more than 1.000.000 hours.

It is a push button world, and I shall hit the publish post button, and I don't know when and where these proud and lucky letters will meet her to tell her how much I miss her to kiss her.

Until we share a dessert together, I am fasting. I could remember the day we went to "Gud Peçka" to pick up one of her favorite desserts. I thank Allah that we are all humans and we are all miracles in this finite world. How fresh the memories are and how long they will be able to feed my thirst for her?

Evolution of Love

FYI:

"güzel" means nice in Turkish.
"yaxhsi" means nice in Azeri.

Light bulb images are taken from MTC Led Solutions catalog.

(One Day) We Will Meet....Yes, We Will

An old Turkish song says it all:
"Surely, we will meet one day!"

It is better to think about "the future's will be" than getting anxious about "today's could be"

We messed up a load of time with dreams and constructing lots of sentences with "the past's could be", and all were just beginning to turn out to be simple lies, or impossibilities.

But, there is one more possibility!

Neither the past, nor today will humiliate our future. As an half of the apple, I will not let any sides to go brown. We are well-wrapped up and kept fresh. It is quite uncommon nowadays, as we consume everything fast paced, and imagining this love to stay fresh for more than five years is unbelievable. But, thinking for the possibility!
Just listen to another old Turkish song.

Bir ihtimal daha var o da ölmek mi dersin
Söyle canım ne dersin
Vuslatın başka alem sen bir ömre bedelsin
Sen bir ömre bedelsin
Sükut etme nazlı yar beni mecnun edersin
Beni mecnun edersin
Vuslatın başka alem sen bir ömre bedelsin
Sen bir ömre bedelsin

My rough translation to English :)
There is just another possibility
Do you think it is the death
Tell me dear what do you think
Longing for you is another life, you are worth a life
You are worth a life
Don't stay silent, you are making me "mecnun*"
You are making me "mecnun*"
Longing for you is another life, you are worth a life
You are worth a life

*dangerously in love :)

Her intuition vs. my strong belief about "our" future.

It is "our" since this is not an agreed point yet, and the jury will decide whether the court should take necessary approval to remove the quotation marks and just release US.

I am my own sincere lawyer whereas she is all surrounded by several decision-makers to defend "her" case.

Her intuitions come true because I left her alone without any concrete put over our togetherness.

All those ups and downs created huge fluctuation, even worse than the price of petrol.

We feed our intuition, though we could also feed our belief.

It is one way to fasten our seat belt and travel 1,110 miles east.
It is another way to avoid sitting on your seat, and walk around in the airplane, and don't care about the sign "Fasten Your Seat-Belt"
Then, do you know where are you going?
Where is your destination?

How many more captains are gonna knock on your door to give you a ride forever?

I planted these seeds quite a long time ago.
But, the landowner decides, and makes the plan.
In classical words, Allah makes the plan.
We, as humans by nature, just try.

It is worth a try to continue fighting.
Because, she is worth a girl to die for during the time of almost losing her.

It is one way to see her unforgettable smile on her untouchable beautiful face.
It is another way to hear that "she doesn't love you" anymore.

In 2004, I put out the map, and plot my destination. Sorry, it took a while, but don't bother to deny, people were traveling for years on camel back to reach their lovers.

It is a technological world right now, and this is only to save those others important decisions, when it is time to stand up and just word up.
Those others who should not take the Cafe Zahir way, because it is risky, not suitable for all.
Because, there will be a time when words will not matter anymore.

I wish to conclude with a few words from the Coelho's book. And, it is true that I am almost lost without the Zahir's presence (rising from the book). Now, it is not only limited in the paperback edition. I am simply living it, and feeling it more than ever, as I get closer to the ending.

Happy or sad, this will be a mutual decision.

Love is not that flexible to pull to the opposite sides forever.

In the book, it says that there is blue behind the gray color of the sky.

I always wanted to be her blue. I am almost done with gathering enough dye from the nature. I will paint such a blue that she cannot imagine in her life.

One more note supported by another old Turkish song.
Rough translation of the title of the song - "I didn't love you to forget you!"

Only 1,110 Miles Away

One of the entrances of Icheri Sheher (Old City) - Baku, Azerbaijan - May, 2009

Finally we spark a light again.

Give me $1,000,000
I would not exchange anything for that smile.

I wish I could capture that moment on a piece of photo, but don't forget that I already put that special shot on my processor's background.

It is a perfect gift for the upcoming Spring. Thanks to her for that smile, which is as far as 1,110 miles away, and at the same time, as close as my mind, heart and soul.

My mind digested that moment so well that the signals to my heart are now delivered everyday. It is more like my daily combination of vitamins, and I thank Allah to sacrifice that special moment after all the struggle.

My soul is left right in front of her office door. It will ring the bell forever, but the secretary will not hear the sound, however "Hayati" will be there, as a matter of fact, I just spoke to him, and he is mesmerized with the smell (of her passing by in the morning, lunch break, and after-work), and I very much agree with him.

You can take a look at her picture, and confirm her beauty.
You can make a short phone call, and realize how much she "hates" me.
But, you can't smell her presence, unless she is right next to you.

She is right, and I am left.

It was the opposite a few years ago.

Now, I write, and very close to end our fight.

Our fight with life.
Our fight with past.
Our fight with the future.

Smile...

Imagine a starfish, millions of them, lying on the beach, and soon the sun will be rising.

Guess what? All of them will be dead. They all need water, and the ocean is just too shy.

I was about to experience the death with a continuous hope to survive with a single touch of the ocean.

Smile...

There comes a raindrop, and I felt it all over. Indeed, it will not last forever, and I will need her to come alive. This time it is not gonna be her tears. It is the time for joy, and celebrating the victory of our patience.

Smile...

Still one of those patients are in line, and setting up an appointment to see her - Frau Doctor.

She is busy, having meetings, such and such..But, the light is gonna pop and will show all colors of us. The spectrum is getting broader, and when it fills up the distance between us, we will be together.

Doctor,
Continue to smile, because we need a long life to make up for the time we lost behind!

Doctor,
Smile, because there are "balacas" (kids) on the way to drive.

Short Tips from Baku:
Panoramic view of Icheri Sheher
Altstadt Hotel

4.00 AM - Just finished the book

The silence and a slow interaction of future
Before all, I couple of discussion questions from Paulo Coelho's book publisher, Sant Jordi Asociados.

Questions for discussion
1. Why do you think that the narrator decides to take on Esther’s challenge and travel the road to Santiago? Why is the narrator unable to begin writing his book until Esther arrives in Madrid?
2. What do you think of the narrator’s conclusion in his first book that: “All you have to do is pay attention; lessons always arrive when you are ready, and if you can read the signs you will learn everything you need to know in order to take the next step” (page 26)? What does Esther’s disappearance suggest regarding the narrator’s awareness of the signs around him?
3. Where you at all surprised by the events of the Thursday night meeting? Why does sharing stories about the lack of love prepare the participants for the ritual dance that follows? Why do you think that the narrator feels his Zahir’s presence so strongly during the meeting?
4. For the narrator, the distance between railroad tracks represents the societal rules that dictate how we are supposed to express love. Why do think the narrator was compelled to share this story at the restaurant? Have there been times in your own experience when you’ve encountered similar frustrations due to “the stories behind the stories we are told”?
5. “Because I accepted my destiny and allowed myself to be guided by something greater than myself…the Zahir begin to diminish in intensity” (page 144). What is Coelho saying, through the narrator, in this passage?
6. Coelho interweaves the narrator’s present journey with flashbacks to his conversations with Esther. Is this an effective narrative technique? What are your impressions of the narrator at this point in your reading? Has your opinion of him changed throughout the course of your reading?
7. Discuss Esther’s conversation with the nomad (page 177-180). Do you think she has discovered the answer to Hans’ question? Does she now understand her own need to become a war correspondent? How does telling your story allow you to be freed from it?
8. Esther and Mikhail use a three prong approach to carry out their mission: meetings at the restaurant, meetings with the beggars, and meetings with the Tribe. Why is this necessary? How do these groups work together? What does the narrator take away from his encounters with each of them?
9. On page 235, Mikhail reveals the story behind the soldier’s bloodstained shirt. The soldier asks Esther to tell “those who believe in death and who, for that reason, are capable of living as if today were there last day on earth… not be afraid, but not to grow complacent either. Seek the one truth which is love. Live in accordance with its laws.” What are those laws? Why must one believe in death in order to live and love fully?
10. Is there room for any of society’s “rules”, like monogamy, for example, in the life of one who strives to live according to the laws of love?
11. Why does Dos insist that it is necessary for the narrator to choose a new name and be reborn before he reaches Esther? Why do you think the narrator chooses the name Nobody?
12. What do you believe to be the central ideas behind this novel? If you have read other books by Paulo Coelho, do you see similarities between them? How has reading The Zahir affected your views on love?

Also, from the publisher's website, there is a Q&A with Paulo Coelho, and I want to quote a few messages from this good sound:
*What is a Zahir?
According to the writer Jorge Luis Borges, the idea of the Zahir comes from the Islamic tradition and probably arose in the eighteenth century. In Arabic “zahir” means “visible”, “present”, “incapable of going unnoticed”. It can refer to an object or a person, and that object or person gradually takes over our every thought, until we are unable to think of anything else. This could be considered a state of holiness or a state of madness.

*The popular culture of today is the academic culture of tomorrow.

Other favorite writers to discover (per suggested by Coelho); William Blake, Henry Miller, Jorge Luis Borges, Jorge Amado.