Expect the unexpected, follow the lovers lost in this blog.

A blog to cater your mind,body,and soul as you drink Turkish Coffee. We are proud to present our new storyline called Cafe's search for his "Zahir". Everyday is a new day for the "Cafe" (from Istanbul) & his journey for "Zahir" (from Baku). Don't expect extraordinary drama from the narrator, me. Still, this is a drama (maybe real!), and have better impact on you than watching a soap opera. Guaranteed. There is genuine feelings within inspirational periods. Cross your fingers for this story to end with happy marriage :-) All rights are reserved.

EDIT (01 July 2009) - She is engaged with another man, and I finally made my marriage proposal bringing my family to Baku. The result: She stays engaged and will have her wedding, so called "toy", with that another man.

Rest in peace Ms. Zahir.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

BAKU - July 1st, 2009 - The End

In this blog, you all witnessed the story of one Turkish man in love with an Azeri women.

This is the table from a cozy guesthouse in Baku.

Well, it is not just a table.

On July 1st, 2009 - For the first (and last) time, families of both sides met here at 11.30pm

I am not that of a crazy narrator to write about all the odds.

Unfortunately, this love story, so called "aşk", began on 2004 August in Arizona (USA) and finally ended on 2009 July in Baku (Azerbaijan).

Of course, my tears did not create another Caspian Sea in Istanbul, but my heart is left in Baku.

There is no taste in anything anymore. After a five year struggle and patience for this notorious lady, it is quite hard to digest her engagement with another man.

Maybe, another five years from now, when I get married and have kids, I will have a good story to tell to them, and I will preserve all these feelings to reflect on a 400-page book and share with the world at what level love can get!

I am glad that I kept my promise and made my marriage proposal with my family to Zahir and her family around this table on a windy night in Baku.

Yes, it was a marriage proposal for a 22-year-old lady who was already engaged with another man!

I will keep telling everyone that nobody will love her as much as I did, do, will.

But, this finite life forces us to re-route our ways.

Long live the love of Cafe & Zahir.

Rest in peace...

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The Picture of 24 June

Monday, June 22, 2009

Tell me if I didn't come?

Famous singer from Turkey: Barış Manço sings about what I feel right now.

Lyrics (Turkish):

Sıra sıra dağlardan erişilmez yaylalardan
Kuş uçmaz kervan geçmez bilinmez binbir yoldan
Gel dedinde gelmedim mi söyle gelmedim mi söyle gelmedim mi
Aman hele hele sultan zalım zalım sultan söyle söyle
Söyle gelmedim mi söyle gelmedim mi
Aman hele hele sultan zalım zalım sultan söyle

Gül yüzünden bal yanaktan sırma saçtan al dudaktan
Kumru gibi kaçan gözden ince belden al topuktan
Sev dedinde sevmedim mi söyle sevmedim mi söyle sevmedim mi
Aman hele hele sultan zalım zalım sultan söyle söyle
Söyle sevmedim mi söyle sevmedim mi
Aman hele hele sultan zalım zalım sultan söyle

Barış kul sana kurban yoktur derdime derman
Hançerini vur sineme çok naz ettin zalım sultan
Öl de gayri öleyim mi söyle öleyim mi söyle öleyim mi
Aman hele hele sultan zalım zalım sultan söyle söyle
Söyle öleyim mi söyle öleyim mi
Aman hele hele sultan zalım zalım sultan söyle

Monday, June 15, 2009

15th June 1993, Azerbaijan Independance Day - "Milli Qurtuluş Günü"

I promise to write in detail about the importance of this day, 15th June 1993, the independence day of Azerbaijan.

The Zahir will be our guest speaker.

I will be back for more information. For now, we keep crossing the fingers to end this story with happy marriage!

Friday, June 12, 2009

Short, T-Shirt, and Sandals in the office

It is getting pretty warm in Istanbul, and as I watch from the left side weather report, Baku is hot as well.

It is not a matter of time anymore.

It is all about making the right moves on time, that's it.

I had good stuff in mind as I was driving to work around midday. Now, all is gone. So, they were fake?

Everyday I cry out her name, and it feels like shoveling the big deep hole underground. I miss those old days, when I used to shovel and I find myself inside the hole at the height of myself. It was good times, because that was a perfect example of my escape from this earthy world. Those desires, greed, pleasure hunters, etc. What I had in mind was very simple and basic. What she has in mind is pretty close to what I got. What irritates me is this long-waited interaction.

I keep shoveling and I know when I will find water.

I do swallow my vitamins and I still feel lousy, just don't want to wake up.

Her present of beads are always kept under my pillow.

She is not here physically, yet she is right next to me.

Still awaiting for the eternal "breath in - breath out"

Monday, June 8, 2009

From two-digit numbers to one :)

I don't want to measure the time past anymore, because I am excited about the upcoming future.

Is it still one plus one equals two? Not anymore. I am one, and she is the only one, and we will be one, because it just doesn't make sense to say "two of us", since there is no "us". I am she, she is me. The most beautiful thing is that we finished counting down the two-digit numbers.

I don't mind pressing #9 para service en Espanol. Let the world speak French, I don't mind. I still pick up some words. I preserved my own language of love, and she speaks this very well. I guess we may need a translator to begin with, and then we can make two, three, four...Little fellas. Like those babies. It is not their cry when they are born. They will be actually yelling to me, because I am the scapegoat forever to postpone this one plus one bargain.

I am not looking at her like the water in the jar, yet I have a glass to fill. So, we need to be like a well. Eat well, communicate well, live well, and feed our well of love forever. I never see our well go drought, though it was not taken care for a while, still it was raining in Baku today, so the fertility rate should go up.

Our love doesn't rely on the price of oil.

Our future doesn't rely on the egos of surrenders.

Nice to meet you!

Could you please pass me the nepkin? I just have these last tear drops to clean, and then I will wear my sunglasses.

It is summer, and the day begins quite early.

We still have a little bit of time for lunch.

Don't we?


Don't U&I?


Don't U? Because, I do.

I already begin shouting "I do, I do"

Friday, June 5, 2009

Прохладно (It's cool)

During the friendly soccer match between Turkiye and Azerbaijan, I could not support any sides, only wish that the score will be a draw, no goals at all. I looked at each Azeri player as the Zahir. That was a strange feeling. The game was not entertaining at all. I wasn't watching the game, even. It was just like a mirror to her heart, or mind, somewhere around her neck, maybe just a quick hick-up. I would have baloons/balloons flying over the big stadium, crying out the letters carefully selected, or hand-picked from the garden of her name.

The load of work is in queue right now, and the most strange thing is happening right now, having no idea about the upcoming future. Sometimes, I feel like I am praising the highest mountain in the world. Telling all about her trees, flowers, bugs, sweets, and all the creatures and flora covering her. Beneath the ground, there are all kinds of gem. I am supposed to be a gem for her, and she discovered this quite a long time ago. For now, this gem is buried way down the beautiful flora covering all over the land. I am simply curious, how much further oxygen do I have in my nostrils that soon I will lie down and realize I am lost.

All I trying to do here is to shout out my existense, long awaited feelings with well-preserved aroma. My desire will never go stale, and it will evaporate if she doesn't put her lid on me. That's the whole story.

Days are counting down, and this is the only motivation growing within...and without?

Sunday, May 31, 2009

End of May is just the beginning of MY..

It is the end of May, date 31st.
But, tomorrow we will begin from the 1st, and this first will be stronger and more fresh..

Cafe Familia welcomed the idea of Cafe a la Turca de Zahir, more than ever.

Now, awaiting news from the other side of the ocean.

There is no more bottles floating over the sea.

My message is not stuck in a bottle, it is all over.

Now, it is the time.
Tomorrow is not another today.

Of course, the future will have reflections of the past and present, and we have the energy to cleanse by communication because we believe.

Everybody has a lot to share for sure. Just need the platform, we all have the mics and speakers ready.

It was only me, now it is the full house asking you darling:

"Are you ready?"

Saturday, May 30, 2009

28 may - Azərbaycanın Respublika günü & 29 may - Conquest of Istanbul (Fall of Constantinople)

Yesterday, 1918 was the foundation of Azerbaijan.
Today, 1453 was the conquest of Istanbul.
Tomorrow, 2009 will be just another day of dreaming for her, but feeling the guilt to row this boat faster and faster to conclude this journey with happiness we both deserve.
Thinking about all the obstacles both our countries passed up until now, my struggle is nothing compared to these historical moments. But, when my struggle becomes "our" precious struggle, it is worth a candidate for Oscar, or Cannes, whichever film festival you will nominate us.

Note: This should be posted yesterday, but the computer got locked, so please date this post as 29th May. I wish, as the narrator I can also make some bigger changes in dates like making today mid-July, and ....., well never mind.

Thursday, May 28, 2009


If I am the only ball in the stadium and each others families are simply playing games, and you, the Zahir, is just sitting in the lobby seat eating caviar and watching the game with a binocular to check every punches and kicks I get all over my circular body, this is not fair.

The weather is fair in Baku today, but this is not fair.

Now, she is on my background of the laptop, and I kiss the screen every once in a while. I hope the screen doesn't contain any hazardous pieces that will conquer my body entering from my lips through my heart, and then easily kill my love, my love to hold on to this stressful life playing soap opera type games, unlike the ongoing match in the stadium.

Same feeling fills the blanks in my mind as I look back at the picturesque buildings going with the ferry crossing Bosphorus. But, I see the sunshine when I look at the front, it was early Wednesday, just coming back from a drop-off to airport.

Making 140km with the car, is fine, but when I reach to 160km, it gets windy, and I hardly handle. I have to watch my front, because any mistake turn will heavily move the car to any side. I also keep my rear mirror and check back, if there is any other fast car following me and or trying to pass me. I am not stubborn to keep the left lane busy, or be the king of this particular lane waving all the cars on my right. Though, I am stubborn to be the king and try to make her my queen, because she long deserved it, and there is no equivalent king around her that will make her queen. Let's make it prince and the princess, because this title is more adorable for such a beauty. Queen may make her look old.

I have to print her photo right away, because I cannot continue to kiss the screen. I keep her present of traditional Azeri beads under my pillow every night to dominate my dreams with her interference, and last night she was holding my hands again, even more stronger. I wonder what Jannah and Omar will think of this, when they sit on my laps and do not have any idea what obstacles were put in front of their big Hello to this cosmic land, so called "The Earth"

I wish they also take a photo from the space and see which lovers are the most passionate towards each other, and I wonder if they will be able to see the thermal heat transfer between them. From Istanbul to Baku, if it is quite a distance, and I believe the heat will be still red enough to be seen clearly from the outer space. The long distance may uniformly distribute it, so the redness may lose some hue or saturation, but as I said, I feed it every second, but kissing her photo, or falling into dreams at night, or just seeing her anywhere I look. She was reflected on the tap in the morning. I had a very bad face in the morning, just woke up from a long sleep, due to a tiring 2-day work. But, the tap was smiling to me, ready to wash my face, and prepare me for another unexpected and full-of-not-enough-time work day. There is no office hours for me, just like there is no love moments for me for now. I create these moments on my own, send short RSS feeds to her heart without receiving any wavelengths from the Western shores of the Caspian sea. I feel the readiness of the dish we will eat together, but I am very cautious not to forget any spices and drinks. My no-dessert fight still continues, though my arms are quite weak always typing but not throwing any balls to the hoop and practice. I go out, I promise, and I will shoot the ball 1,000 times every morning. For the first few days, my arms will sore, but they should be ready to carry your heavily filled heart from any distance. My mind and heart are all ready, just physically I guess, the arms should be more muscular in order to carry your heart, as I say..

Your heart which was subject to many breaks, some due to my fallacies, some due to cosmic failures, and some just happened for no reason maybe. But believe me, I also had breaks and maybe for manhood reasons, these breaks are now strongly reconstructed like a gas pedal. We shall move on, Jannah and Omar are waiting impatiently. I have a small car for now, but as I said, it could go 160km and more.

I am pressing the gas pedal, and I have my seatbelt on, don't worry.

I am coming, don't worry, but please keep your arms open.

I open my arms wide and they are on the last stage to be sufficiently muscular.

I am driving 160km and more..

Please let us drive smoothly from now on...

Monday, May 25, 2009

RSS Feeds To Her Heart

I just want to send instant RSS feeds to her heart, no matter what time.


Hello, I was just on my way, still I catch you in your dreams :)


Hello, I just wanted to check if you need tea, coffee, something?


Hello, I just wanna watch you cooking, I am not hungry, really.


Hello, I just want to..well, just want to be your shadow, for now.


Hello, I am missing, too. Could we try to click the search button one last time?

Sunday, May 24, 2009


The fasting time of Ramadan is approaching, and summer is yet to begin its high temperatures very soon.

Something very important. It was like a warning.

I heard from my friend, "Don't forget Fajr".

It was true that I was very inclined to follow every fajr, at least decided to follow after one try, and most of the time that try was a result of a sleepless night.

It is never easy to wake up so early and do your prayer. And, it is never easy to love a girl who is all surrounded with pessimistic clouds washing her brain every second. It is not as bad as acid rain, and I am getting very anxious because each day there is some sort of news, or a story I hear about her beautiful country, and I keep fasting and let myself clear from any type of dessert, only fruits are allowed, since the real dessert is her eyes.

Eating 4 baklava equals to a sneak peak to her eyes.
Eating 1/2 kg of baklava equals to watching her a few miles away from her.
Eating 1kg of baklava equals to staring her.
And so on...

I don't want to eat baklava.

I want to invite us into the kitchen of the most famous baklava house in Turkey and just begin to produce together. We are only allowed to consume the time ahead of us, quite economically. We already crossed out the things that do not appeal to us, like shouting, or arguing for very small details like mini skirt, etc. As I look back, it was very childish, whereas there is a very bright life beyond that..

Here is the call of the prayer, and it is 8.32pm in the city of Istanbul. What a beauty we are all donated to have a full variety of beautiful voices of imams calling the athan from each minaret. Even for a person hesitant for prayers, it is a celebration to stop for a moment and think once again that we will finally say goodbye to this world. For some of us, it is just a plain craziness, some greed with some joy. All I could verify is to keep each string tight enough not to let anybody down. Seconds are passing, and I have a few shopping bags to fill before we arrange the final countdown.

I love her and I love everyone who is around her, and I just don't understand why there is no single volunteer around her encouraging her to say a few words about us, that's plain pain

I am done with listening to this music. I want action, and I want this Bosphoruse canal to merge and make the European side join the Asian side. I don't want those big container ships to pass by anymore. They are dangerous for our relationship. Those big "uncertainities"

I can favor a mysterious faced girl on Fashion TV, but in the next couple of seconds, I will forget her name. Same story with anybody I would come across in this life. Just a short breeze in the air, whereas I continue to cry her name at least ten times in every hour or so. Still, it is not enough.

This sunday was a terrible day. Horrible moments without any single branch to hold on. Forced myself to sleep, and finally I had a chance to find her, and thanks to Allah that she was holding my hand, but not yet looking at my face.

Then I remember holding her pursue at the ATM. That was an eternal moment. That was a simple declaration of our togetherness, behaving naturally like we are one person, and we understand each other.

There is just too many options in the market, and why I don't hesitate to continue to fight.

Is it love?

Is it obsession?


It is life.

There is just one earthy life happening now, and almost 24 years past without the flame.
As they do in pre-historic times, we tried to create the flame together, but the rush of 21st century washed us over and all the dilemmas, bias, misunderstanding took us way back.

Now, I don't even accept the match, or a lighter.

I am already like a volcano, and I say no to those who will try to take us apart. It was a challenge, and each game has a life cycle. It could be 90 minutes in a soccer match, or 40 minutes for a basketball match.

It has been 24 years and it is getting late. If there is one life to live and share, it is all yours, my Zahir. Whatever you like, however you feel.

Everything seems meaningful when it is shared. Today, I don't eat the dessert, tomorrow I may not eat anything other than soup. And, soon, I may just drink water. Last, I may just shut my mouth. And, then?

Simple goodbye to the earthy passions and desires...

If there is time to fight, I was aware of this time period since the biggest departure four years ago. Each minute, I tried to progress, rather than sitting in one office and follow the guidance of the manager and stay at the same exact point of business all my life.

I progress, I am having a progressive love.

It is plain pleasure to meet you in my dreams for now, and then I will wake up very early in the morning with the responsibility to fulfill the day with everything needed to be accomplished in order to progress one more step towards getting you.

Yes, it is getting you. Becuase, I want you, and anybody witnessing these words are aware of the volcano.

Please don't let it sit so long, 'cos I want to give us a birth before the day of my birth.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

"Seni Çok Seviyorum."*

*I love you very much

The title speaks for itself.

It is 10.12pm, and when I get back home the day would be over, and for sure, she will be sleeping. From the first sneak peak to the day in the morning with a sudden crash of love just like the top of an ice-cream with some caramel sauce, or chocolate, you decide.

It is 10.14pm, and when I get back home, the night would be almost over, and for some reason, she will not show up, or just hiding under the pillow.

It is getting very late, and I keep swimming until I reach to the island where we are only allowed to take three things (that I already decide).

They are...


Friday, May 15, 2009

Failed to Load

Of course, when I have lots of enthusiasm to write, the weather report for Baku fails to load. What would you think? Yes, ironically, there is no news from Baku, yet, although a report has been filed a few hours ago.

I found out why I am obsessed with this particular woman.

She is more than a woman!

She is a friend, she is a mom, she is a girl, she is a celebrity, she is a prayer, she is everything. And, just like a candy for a child, or a hot oven for an old pal, she is unreachable, for now.

The uncertainty hurts not only her, but also me. As I approach to the certainty slowly, she is also drifting away from me, or just escaping to the "reality".

So, what is real?

Is it hidden behind the castle of your surroundings? What is it?

I am getting more hectic, yet still humble to embrace the eternal end.

How would you like the end? Or, to be continued.

Please, skip the commercial, I didn't record these moments, I know, I am just living it, but I should have a chance to move fast forward. Yes, as fast as possible. We are not traveling on the camel back anymore. Well, take the plane, still it is slow. Why she is not living next door? How would you feel if you fall in love with a women living next door, and you NEVER have a chance to see her. No talks, nothing.

Only a simple good morning around 6am every once in three months. I'd exaggerate and make this one year, but three months is fair enough.


Would you be obsessed like me and feed your passion with almost nothing happening, just by imagination and prayers?

The phone will not ring, never, of course.

I don't expect any reply, of course.

I am just getting ready for the next step, make a global "warming."

This should work, if all post offices will be loyal to each other, and for once in a lifetime, they will deliver their letters on the same exact date.

I don't expect this to happen, but hope all letters will be delivered.

My kids will see the postcard on the wall of the kitchen, and verify how crazy I am and she is.

Her craziness has been proven in the past, but for now, she is in fact dead silent.

Being dead silent, doesn't mean her love is dead. It has been buried according to her surroundings, but..

It is unlike a VISA card, not every shop accepts my type of passion. Fortunately.

I opened an account in her bank, and I owe lots of work for her special arrangement since I am not a citizen of this ...

Glad to know they still sell flowers. I thought, I would just download a program in my cell phone, and send a text message when I come next to her. No talks, just text messaging. Only max. 10 characters are allowed. Unlike ordinary 160 characters or so.

Only 10.

What would I say?

I love you is too classic and will be meaningless.

I hate you is saved for the moments when we remember our past struggles together.

"I and You for Ever" makes more than 10 characters, I guess, I don't count it now, I will not count it, because I know what I am gonna say.


It means "Hello" in Turkish.

Yes, a simple "merhaba"


Not much, it is just like reaching the shore after fighting with all the storms in the ocean ALONE.

From now on, togetherness will secure a common interest in further storms and pleasures which are eventually combined to make up this world around us.

Dear Zahir,


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Sinking in tenderless gulfs

Y: Oh, you are back.
C: I've been in line waiting all day, so what's up?
Y: Same o' same, any news?
C: For sure, as expected, nothing!
Y: Still sinking right?
C: I told you, if I sink, it will be the Caspian Sea, so my scent will add a flavor to the usual odour of petrol. Locals will be confused which scent is more precious, but the climate of unconsciousness and unknown end will never disappear.
Y: What do you mean?
C: I will always love her. No matter what, I am fully dedicated as I am counting down my last seconds.
Y: Did you dive before?
C: Yes, it was about 50 ft above the sea, from a cliff down to a meteor pit. I was feeling great at the end, but don't ask me how and why I decided to jump, the height was pretty scary.
Y: Why do you keep waiting?
C: For what?
Y: For...you know...a sound from the East. I know, we all know, the Sun rises from the East, and they wake up before us, they go to bed while we make our supper, or eat a late nite snack, oh well, maybe doing the night time prayer, etc. So, they are one step further from us. You seem to be chasing her, but you know what I mean. Maybe, like... Somebody, a competitor, there is just so many there, you know, all man, perfect men, rich men, this men, that men..
C: Stop, wait a second!
Y: You seem to begin a certain motion of wave, but then it suddenly stopped, and..
C: Do you ever give up?
Y: ....why...?
C: Do you ever give up when you hustle and struggle so much so long?
Y: Well, I play logical, I make my moves, if I am about to lose, I just leave it there, and move on.
C: So, you are afraid to lose?
Y: Well, sort of!
C: I am not. I want to win, and I am stubborn, more than ever. It is like playing chess in the World Championship, and I feel like I am representing both countries at the same time, since I hear no notice of breath from her.
Y: It is difficult.
C: We all have two choices. Difficult and easy. Sometimes, they mix it, and we happen to get a mild one, not sour, nor sweet.
Y: Are you still cooking?
C: Not until, we have our own kitchen.
Y: We?
C: We are the champions? Remember the song.
Y: Forever?
C: Until the last breath.
Y: What was the song's title? Or the verse? Breath in breath out..
C: I have a couple of friends, but I hesitate to ask them, because that Russian song seems to be overload of love that they may not be able to handle and lose the feeling of pure translation to me. But, I read a rough translation, and I almost get what is going on there. It is not as much as I live with my Zahir, still somehow relative story.
Y: What is your reaction? Or, let's put it this way. What is you re-action?
C: Life is a cycle, and we need to unload some of our bags of behavior, especially those behavior that hurts our relationship. I thought that I left them in the US, but I just realized about a couple of them. I have a few weeks until I cleanse, tone, moisturize and protect my skin from those bags. They are in the Bosphorus, and the strong current will take it either to the Black Sea or the Mediterrean.
Y: Did you eat "dolma"?
C: Do you smell it?
Y: Well, yeah, was it delich?
C: Not the olive oil type, it was with meat, so little heavy, but a usual ceremony of celebration by the stomach. Maybe a little surprise travel of "dolmas" with a smooth wind from Istanbul to Baku, what do you think?
Y: The olive oil may leak. Risky.
C: Life is already risky with all the surrounding "we" have treating "our" relationship somehow weird, out of the world.
Y: Did you report to NASA?
C: Yes, they are arranging a special vacation house for "us", so we will just get away and watch "them" from the outer space and send our prayings. Of course, this is science fiction. The real drama begins when two families meet.
Y: You are funny.
C: Life is funny, after all the struggle we live and weight our passion with the patience we bear until the last moment we keep each other's breath in breath out.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Drop on the spoon or in the ocean?

Do you have empathy? You could be sympathetic, though do you also put yourself in others shoes when you judge them? I don't feel like to speak about our different "courts" of justice. But, I really feel like feeling like a drop in your surrounding, anywhere, a small pond next to your apartment as a result of yesterday's rain, or a drop in Caspian Sea, or another (lemon) drop on your eating spoon for the last night's soup.

Nobody asked my ticket when I entered the theater, and nobody directed me to my seat. Nobody seated me, and nobody said "pardon" when they walk to their seats in front of me. Is it being nobody in the community, or being somebody in your own world. It was like being a single drop. Please, don't let your tears drop anymore, because I just cleaned the floor, when I say single, it is like one single apple, like being two in one. Otherwise, I need to put the sign "Caution: Wet Floor"

I just don't want any one of us to drop anymore. The two halves of the apples are losing their freshness. Could you please pass me the lemon, I shall squeeze a few drops to keep it fresh. Yes, lemon please. It is sour, I know, but the oasis is not for us. We shall move on to reach to our cozy waterfront. Check out the ocean, walk in the beach, or dive into the forest to meet some other creatures. They all know about us, don't worry, we are not going to be strangers.

It was a single drop for about 1,700 days ago. Now, it is an ocean, and the global warming doesn't affect us somehow. Please, pass me the salt, I know it is not that healthy, but I will add some salt on this most recent lemon drop, because it is very sour, because you still hesitate!

Let's avoid the salt, and stay healthy.

Let's pick up the lemons from the tree on our backyard, and begin to seize the special moment when those lemons turn from green to yellow. We need to catch the seconds together, short sentences, but powerful words...Is it love?

I am sorry!

I am sorry that when I should stay up and do the night prayer, I put myself into sleep.
I am sorry that when I had a chance to take a break from sleep at 2.30am, I forced myself to sleep.
I am sorry that when I was about to wake up at 7.20am, I preferred to sleep.
Sleep, sleep, sleep...

Shed your light on my eyes, so I could cut my sleeping time and invest in our future.

I don't want to sleep anymore!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Departed or Deported

Unlike seeing the other driver with the sunglasses on the rear window, and then remember that I forgot to wear mine, I never happen to see the couples walking on the street as a reminder for my Zahir. I prefer to watch my back as I drive, as it shows my past. Inshallah, I am pretty sure about my future as I grow my imagination within the realm of possibilities. Still, we are not sure about the next second in our lives, that's true. It is a virtue to look at the past and digest it well enough to avoid the same mistakes happen in the future.

I am digesting now.

It is getting a little bit late, I know, but I am eating slow.

The reflections continue to grow at any second, thanks to Allah we have those prayers to keep us on track protecting us from the jealous eyes of others. The story of the evil eye is very much related to the jealousy of others, it is sort of protection.

Some words make the eyes cry, some eyes merely tell the words. As soon as I see her, I shall not talk, because my wholesome face will tell everything about how upset I feel about the failures in the past, and how passionate I desire for the future.

Some feelings are being deported, some of them are and will be well-departed for the trip.

It is a trip of life, and the clock is still ticking since the first time I looked at her.

Saturday, May 9, 2009


Of course, at the top of the list we have:

"I love her" with "I want her happiness" in addition to "I can make her happy" and "I will do everything for her"

The rest of the testimonial will be needless. It would be like searching for the needle in the sack of hay.

Watching the wild life is laying some groundwork for our behavior. As we all know, the biggest danger for the wild life is man. In our relationship, I see the distance as the biggest danger for us. Though, if we look from the optimistic side, it was a lot further before. In these days, we are just stretching it, and try not make our lives as wild. At the end, we are also mankind, but we have beautiful minds to "make good decisions" as one of teachers used to say.

I don't try to make this film "action & cut" all the time. We had quite a bit of cuts in the past. It is time for some genuine action. It is not deep frozen. These actions have deep roots underground, and they have been growing for more than 1,700 days. Even one second seems a lot today, how did these days pass by? How many stars we counted as we were sitting on the bench? How many airplanes we've seen and show it to each other, as the sky was too large and our eyes were like radar to point out the airplane before each of us.

She is the finest image and the beauty in this natural world as we are all governed by this usual natural selection process. This is a natural behavior from a romantic side. If you lift the carpet, don't be afraid, there is no dust, as I clear out my hatred to this distance every second. There is no argument with the coincidences and consequences. It is plain challenge, and I am slowly preparing my 4x4 truck to drive us together. We shall go to Africa to see the meerkat manor, they are cute. Maybe, they have something to tell us for our future. Enough with the Turkish Coffee grounds which keep getting us closer, but still we are apart. As I continue to slip my tongue and drop some feelings into this well, I hear no sound. I always believed that I put all my energy to stock enough struggle to last forever.
What is the worst struggle in this survival of the fittest world?
Is it being apart and growing the world's largest botanic garden with your tears?
or, is it living a happy, very happy, the happiest life in front of "jealous" eyes?

Our tears have been flowing to Caspian Sea for a while, and we are about to beat the smell of the petrol. Things are changing, world is still moving, and we are aging, thus we are changing as well.

In our house, I will put out a history timeline and specify each important date, sometimes referring to each others passport, sometimes quoting the messages we sent to each other. This timeline will personalize the past, and keep us stronger. The kids will see this and ask why? We will all blame me, of course. I had the key to open the door within the palm of my hands, but I dropped it as I flew back to the US for some "ambitions", but I never ever forget and change my original destination. Still, "us" is within the realm of possibilities, and "I" shall continue hard to bring the Zahir back on track, this time with the most concrete plans ever.

Don't judge us as the best engineers in life. We just need a shelter, but I wanted to build a multi-story villa where we can have our dog barking outside, organic fresh veggies and fruits growing. This is not a dream, but includes some imagination, and it is the same amount of positive energy built up the imagination after the moment I saw the Azerbaijan flag in the basketball/tennis court on campus in the middle of a dessert where you will not consider such a meeting.

As I watched the wild life series on BBC, there was one observer/researcher who followed gorillas for 10 years. After five years of patience, gorillas admitted him as a part of their family, and never bothered. He just follow, never get aggressive, same colors of clothes. As he says, in the beginning it was impossible. Everything seems impossible in the beginning. We as a community make those requirements, like going to college, getting a job, sweating 9-6pm, and etc. In the meantime, we don't mind to think about the "other" side, those have dreams.

I dreamed for this life, and I will keep the 4x4 truck with good maintenance until I am ready to drive from Istanbul to Baku for 1,100 miles (around 1,700 km)

The observers are so accustomed to the past failures, the clouds are never disappearing to let the sun during the day, and moon during the night illuminate our way. The patience is a virtue, but I need a hand to continue fighting. My windscreen wipers are quite fast, but the clouds are dropping so much rain that I am unable to see the front. Please, help me get away with the "others" continuous passion to make decisions for our lives, and let me drive securely. No matter what, I am stubborn and determined as a natural goal-oriented person. The goal is not a single event of wedding. The goal is to provide a life we deserve together.

There will be struggles in the future, and this is the way of life. But, please stop growing more pessimistic clouds, as I just raised my red flag, because I am about to sink down the Caspian Sea.

Each happening is a trial to find her reflection. Driving on the highway, researching on the internet, listening to music, eating breakfast, walking on the seaside, everything. There she is, there I am. We are essentially not migrating birds, but we can let some of our feelings to migrate and then open up some space for embracing happiness. Please be relieved, nobody is perfect, but we can be aware of our fallacies, and try to patch them. As I said before, there is not enough light to film, so let's move on and carry the gray clouds away, far away, until we are together, then we can fight with those gray clouds together, even by talking over the phone. Compared to the wild life flirting, mine is neither wild, nor chill. I just need an idea of how big is this ocean of blue, because I am almost lost within this blue, but I hear no sound from the city of Baku.

OK, there is sound, and it came right on time, as I was having the worst 5 minutes of my life over the phone. This footage is taken in Baku, Azerbaijan, in front of the Government House which has a magnificent architecture.

Dance of the Fountains in front of the Government House in Baku, Azerbaijan

In this post, I also like to share the lyrics of the song - "Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars"

The biggest question is being asked in this song, as well.

Would you lie with me and just forget the world? Because, it is the world so far playing its tricks and putting building blocks in front of us. Patience. Not many blocks left to clear, and we all know the time is still ticking. Yes, I know very much, I guess we both know the value of time.

"Chasing Cars"

We'll do it all
On our own

We don't need
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Push-Button World

If it is scheduled, there is no problem. But, when it is a surprise visit, it is ruining her life.

This is a push button world.

It begins cracking my head as soon as I push the power button of my laptop. It is sick. Just too many feelings, yet only a few of them deserved a space here.

I always wonder what happens to the tap water when we turn it off. How does the water feel? Just because you have the control to release it, the water has no right to decide? Does the water want to come out, or move into different taps through different pipes? Does it have a certain route of flow? Which tap is the favorite one? And, the most important question is; hot or cold?

If I am the water in her apartment's pipes, I don't mind to be filtered, or heated, or put in the refrigerator, as long as I end up seeing her. If I am the pipe connected to her tap, I will be keeping my body stainless steel and avoid the rust.

It is a push button world, we love, we hate, and we forget.

Indeed, my world doesn't allow any lover's game. I could be now thrown out of her galaxy, and be treated as Pluto, whereas she is the Venus. Yes, it is quite a bit of distance between us, temporarily.

I am slowly entering her galaxy, and soon I will be the Jupiter with a circle around my belly. Oh, no, I don't belly-dance, please! But, that circle could be the stars circling around my head after her shouting over the phone. It created some significant dizziness.

Would you like some tea?

Well, I miss her "shirin" tea. It is sweet, yet no sugar, only served with natural jam.

Is there any dessert after the meal?

Well, sorry, I have no appetite to celebrate. I only eat to survive. It is not a pleasure unless it is shared with her. Of course, it is always a grateful moment, whereas millions are starving outside. But, don't you realize how many people are starving for a strong, trustworthy, sincere, honest, emotional, powerful relationship. The targeted ads for "matching" services are rising. I don't understand how come I can think of somebody else when I am starving for her presence. And, inshallah when we are together, how come I can think of somebody else when I am praying to Allah everyday for making my ("our") dreams come true.

Who is that somebody else?

and, Why?

I am driving in the traffic, and somebody is harassing everyone in the traffic by breaking the rules and using the emergency lane. Where is all those humane feelings we all supposed to have somewhere hidden in our mind over belly or under belly, whichever is preferred.

I am driving in the traffic, and I will not harass anyone by using the emergency lane.
I am simply waiting for the weather calm down and see the blue.

It will be blue, it has to be blue, because this sorrow should not continue forever. We all have lives to live, lips to kiss, feet to dance, hands to touch, eyes to meet, etc.

There is one phrase - Loving the Creator due to the creations.

It is a blank page without her. But, we have so many thoughts to share that the expected life period should be barely enough for us to fill those blank pages together. We all created those blank pages together, like putting the flour and making bread in the oven. They are fresh, and as I posted yesterday, we shall illuminate the world together more than 1.000.000 hours.

It is a push button world, and I shall hit the publish post button, and I don't know when and where these proud and lucky letters will meet her to tell her how much I miss her to kiss her.

Until we share a dessert together, I am fasting. I could remember the day we went to "Gud Peçka" to pick up one of her favorite desserts. I thank Allah that we are all humans and we are all miracles in this finite world. How fresh the memories are and how long they will be able to feed my thirst for her?

Friday, May 8, 2009

Evolution of Love


"güzel" means nice in Turkish.
"yaxhsi" means nice in Azeri.

Light bulb images are taken from MTC Led Solutions catalog.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

(One Day) We Will Meet....Yes, We Will

An old Turkish song says it all:
"Surely, we will meet one day!"

It is better to think about "the future's will be" than getting anxious about "today's could be"

We messed up a load of time with dreams and constructing lots of sentences with "the past's could be", and all were just beginning to turn out to be simple lies, or impossibilities.

But, there is one more possibility!

Neither the past, nor today will humiliate our future. As an half of the apple, I will not let any sides to go brown. We are well-wrapped up and kept fresh. It is quite uncommon nowadays, as we consume everything fast paced, and imagining this love to stay fresh for more than five years is unbelievable. But, thinking for the possibility!
Just listen to another old Turkish song.

Bir ihtimal daha var o da ölmek mi dersin
Söyle canım ne dersin
Vuslatın başka alem sen bir ömre bedelsin
Sen bir ömre bedelsin
Sükut etme nazlı yar beni mecnun edersin
Beni mecnun edersin
Vuslatın başka alem sen bir ömre bedelsin
Sen bir ömre bedelsin

My rough translation to English :)
There is just another possibility
Do you think it is the death
Tell me dear what do you think
Longing for you is another life, you are worth a life
You are worth a life
Don't stay silent, you are making me "mecnun*"
You are making me "mecnun*"
Longing for you is another life, you are worth a life
You are worth a life

*dangerously in love :)

Her intuition vs. my strong belief about "our" future.

It is "our" since this is not an agreed point yet, and the jury will decide whether the court should take necessary approval to remove the quotation marks and just release US.

I am my own sincere lawyer whereas she is all surrounded by several decision-makers to defend "her" case.

Her intuitions come true because I left her alone without any concrete put over our togetherness.

All those ups and downs created huge fluctuation, even worse than the price of petrol.

We feed our intuition, though we could also feed our belief.

It is one way to fasten our seat belt and travel 1,110 miles east.
It is another way to avoid sitting on your seat, and walk around in the airplane, and don't care about the sign "Fasten Your Seat-Belt"
Then, do you know where are you going?
Where is your destination?

How many more captains are gonna knock on your door to give you a ride forever?

I planted these seeds quite a long time ago.
But, the landowner decides, and makes the plan.
In classical words, Allah makes the plan.
We, as humans by nature, just try.

It is worth a try to continue fighting.
Because, she is worth a girl to die for during the time of almost losing her.

It is one way to see her unforgettable smile on her untouchable beautiful face.
It is another way to hear that "she doesn't love you" anymore.

In 2004, I put out the map, and plot my destination. Sorry, it took a while, but don't bother to deny, people were traveling for years on camel back to reach their lovers.

It is a technological world right now, and this is only to save those others important decisions, when it is time to stand up and just word up.
Those others who should not take the Cafe Zahir way, because it is risky, not suitable for all.
Because, there will be a time when words will not matter anymore.

I wish to conclude with a few words from the Coelho's book. And, it is true that I am almost lost without the Zahir's presence (rising from the book). Now, it is not only limited in the paperback edition. I am simply living it, and feeling it more than ever, as I get closer to the ending.

Happy or sad, this will be a mutual decision.

Love is not that flexible to pull to the opposite sides forever.

In the book, it says that there is blue behind the gray color of the sky.

I always wanted to be her blue. I am almost done with gathering enough dye from the nature. I will paint such a blue that she cannot imagine in her life.

One more note supported by another old Turkish song.
Rough translation of the title of the song - "I didn't love you to forget you!"

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Only 1,110 Miles Away

One of the entrances of Icheri Sheher (Old City) - Baku, Azerbaijan - May, 2009

Finally we spark a light again.

Give me $1,000,000
I would not exchange anything for that smile.

I wish I could capture that moment on a piece of photo, but don't forget that I already put that special shot on my processor's background.

It is a perfect gift for the upcoming Spring. Thanks to her for that smile, which is as far as 1,110 miles away, and at the same time, as close as my mind, heart and soul.

My mind digested that moment so well that the signals to my heart are now delivered everyday. It is more like my daily combination of vitamins, and I thank Allah to sacrifice that special moment after all the struggle.

My soul is left right in front of her office door. It will ring the bell forever, but the secretary will not hear the sound, however "Hayati" will be there, as a matter of fact, I just spoke to him, and he is mesmerized with the smell (of her passing by in the morning, lunch break, and after-work), and I very much agree with him.

You can take a look at her picture, and confirm her beauty.
You can make a short phone call, and realize how much she "hates" me.
But, you can't smell her presence, unless she is right next to you.

She is right, and I am left.

It was the opposite a few years ago.

Now, I write, and very close to end our fight.

Our fight with life.
Our fight with past.
Our fight with the future.


Imagine a starfish, millions of them, lying on the beach, and soon the sun will be rising.

Guess what? All of them will be dead. They all need water, and the ocean is just too shy.

I was about to experience the death with a continuous hope to survive with a single touch of the ocean.


There comes a raindrop, and I felt it all over. Indeed, it will not last forever, and I will need her to come alive. This time it is not gonna be her tears. It is the time for joy, and celebrating the victory of our patience.


Still one of those patients are in line, and setting up an appointment to see her - Frau Doctor.

She is busy, having meetings, such and such..But, the light is gonna pop and will show all colors of us. The spectrum is getting broader, and when it fills up the distance between us, we will be together.

Continue to smile, because we need a long life to make up for the time we lost behind!

Smile, because there are "balacas" (kids) on the way to drive.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

4.00 AM - Just finished the book

The silence and a slow interaction of future
Before all, I couple of discussion questions from Paulo Coelho's book publisher, Sant Jordi Asociados.

Questions for discussion
1. Why do you think that the narrator decides to take on Esther’s challenge and travel the road to Santiago? Why is the narrator unable to begin writing his book until Esther arrives in Madrid?
2. What do you think of the narrator’s conclusion in his first book that: “All you have to do is pay attention; lessons always arrive when you are ready, and if you can read the signs you will learn everything you need to know in order to take the next step” (page 26)? What does Esther’s disappearance suggest regarding the narrator’s awareness of the signs around him?
3. Where you at all surprised by the events of the Thursday night meeting? Why does sharing stories about the lack of love prepare the participants for the ritual dance that follows? Why do you think that the narrator feels his Zahir’s presence so strongly during the meeting?
4. For the narrator, the distance between railroad tracks represents the societal rules that dictate how we are supposed to express love. Why do think the narrator was compelled to share this story at the restaurant? Have there been times in your own experience when you’ve encountered similar frustrations due to “the stories behind the stories we are told”?
5. “Because I accepted my destiny and allowed myself to be guided by something greater than myself…the Zahir begin to diminish in intensity” (page 144). What is Coelho saying, through the narrator, in this passage?
6. Coelho interweaves the narrator’s present journey with flashbacks to his conversations with Esther. Is this an effective narrative technique? What are your impressions of the narrator at this point in your reading? Has your opinion of him changed throughout the course of your reading?
7. Discuss Esther’s conversation with the nomad (page 177-180). Do you think she has discovered the answer to Hans’ question? Does she now understand her own need to become a war correspondent? How does telling your story allow you to be freed from it?
8. Esther and Mikhail use a three prong approach to carry out their mission: meetings at the restaurant, meetings with the beggars, and meetings with the Tribe. Why is this necessary? How do these groups work together? What does the narrator take away from his encounters with each of them?
9. On page 235, Mikhail reveals the story behind the soldier’s bloodstained shirt. The soldier asks Esther to tell “those who believe in death and who, for that reason, are capable of living as if today were there last day on earth… not be afraid, but not to grow complacent either. Seek the one truth which is love. Live in accordance with its laws.” What are those laws? Why must one believe in death in order to live and love fully?
10. Is there room for any of society’s “rules”, like monogamy, for example, in the life of one who strives to live according to the laws of love?
11. Why does Dos insist that it is necessary for the narrator to choose a new name and be reborn before he reaches Esther? Why do you think the narrator chooses the name Nobody?
12. What do you believe to be the central ideas behind this novel? If you have read other books by Paulo Coelho, do you see similarities between them? How has reading The Zahir affected your views on love?

Also, from the publisher's website, there is a Q&A with Paulo Coelho, and I want to quote a few messages from this good sound:
*What is a Zahir?
According to the writer Jorge Luis Borges, the idea of the Zahir comes from the Islamic tradition and probably arose in the eighteenth century. In Arabic “zahir” means “visible”, “present”, “incapable of going unnoticed”. It can refer to an object or a person, and that object or person gradually takes over our every thought, until we are unable to think of anything else. This could be considered a state of holiness or a state of madness.

*The popular culture of today is the academic culture of tomorrow.

Other favorite writers to discover (per suggested by Coelho); William Blake, Henry Miller, Jorge Luis Borges, Jorge Amado.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Twenty Nine

I am not twenty one, but April is already in her mid-age. Soon, she will turn into May, and I will be almost finished with Spring cleanup! Thoughts were essential, but not so random, and there is no birth control, as they are just getting swept and new thoughts are emerging, though they mostly end up in the emergency room seeking the real patient with patience. The doctor is calling "next", and I show my list of medicines. Her black pen crosses out all of them, just put a note at the end.


Indeed, it is time to go with all things considered and finally realize how to finalize this soap opera. It is a short trip, and time will be flawless. Welcome baby, sorry we don't do baby shower in Turkey, but as all we say, "Masallah"

In this cultural pot, we are melting. The sauce is ready, and the last dish should be tasty.

Why not?

If we take out or sit back, relax, and just enjoy the last dish, late nite fish.

Crawling the keyboard is not as simple as sinking down the mud.

Don't forget.

Yes, just don't forget, because I won't be back.


Thursday, April 23, 2009

Dating the date

Silence covers the floor, evaporates to the air, rains back down to ground, raises more awareness with additional feelings flavoring the silence, and back on the cycle...We keep longing...and it is dated now!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Jump start

"It is a new day"
"Yes, it is, and it is just a new beginning"
"Well, I never gave up!"
"You almost did, don't fool me" she says
As I stir the sugar in the tea, I remember I was supposed to put some jam into it, or
"May I have the jam aside? Don't you know, I don' t drink use sugar."
"That's why you never called me again since last September"
"When will you pause for a moment and think don't I give enough difficult moments to this young boy"
"Young?" she sighs.
"And, mature!" I say slowly.
"Everybody gets mature, and then they forget to take care of their skin, they age, and then begin to realize they need somebody to love."
"Well, I reserved this ticket six years ago, please don't sell it in the black market, I know this is pretty expensive now. See, I can learn how to invest my energy and time. Can I get a deposit slip?"
"I am not ready to get married!"
"I almost did, ohh sorry, that was on another planet with another girl called Zair." I say, and she walks away to the balcony.

I was a chilly May, and I was expecting shower, as I begin to wonder, there was the thunderstorm, and here we are, watching the rain together, and thinking how we will slowly build our dam to collect good times, and install a recycling facility to reduce the waste of bad moments. I spent almost a year and half in searching for this system which will circulate my time and energy investment into sound financial sum to let us reproduce our fruitful relationship every other day. I never had this moment in Baku, watching the rain from our cozy, small apartment. I know, time passes so quickly and I need to rush back to work in Istanbul and maybe, we see each other a few weeks later. I wish one thing from Allah to make her slowly understand why I never gave up on her, and why I am so stubborn to rise from the west hemisphere. It is always nice to see the sun giving birth to a new day counter clockwise, and it is fun to watch her go to sleep first, and then I pray she will see how I continue to sacrifice my longing and passion just a few ... more. I know it cannot be a year, but it will be a few months.

There is no single day, I lived without knowing hearing from Azerbaijan. If we just pronounce the -jan part, and mimic it as -jam, I feel like I am a part of it. As the notorious president Haydar Aliyev said, we are one nation, two counties. From the beginning, I felt the same as we are one body, two minds. Indeed, we have many conflicts and it was always fun to make the shortest sentences with short-run arguments to result them with satisfactory conclusions. As long as everybody is clear about their stepping stone, we will not hurt each other, indeed we will just hug each other in the sky.

"Mom is calling" she says, and here we are listening to her beautiful voice, sometimes high, sometimes low. They are both admiring. Farewell to my old habit of missing to record our beautiful moments, and just staring at the camera and say, "Hello, I am Cafe and today's guest is Ms. Zair." She was never a-today's-guest type of girl. She was an all-time star, always making me wait to watch her on a clear sky. Thanks to Allah, she was shining during the day, and for some reason, the Sun was not bothering her own illumination.

"Ladies and gentleman, if I open this box, and just show why I do this, would you just give me hand to convince this beautiful lady who is now wondering what the heck I need to say to him" I shout to the storks moving to the East. They make their famous sound and simply agreed with me to open the box, and then just like digging a well full of fuel, this box begins to grow a fruitful tree reaching up high in the sky. I climb it, thinking that I will see all the way East, and surpass all mountains between us. Storks are a little nervous, since I never been up so high.

"I do, I do"
"Who is this?" I shout to the East.
"I do, I ."
"Who are you?" I shout back again, because I am barely hearing her, whoever she is.
"Continue, I am still way thing." she says, but I really don't understand anything, what is "way thing"?
I move forward and more rapidly, so then I arrive to the top of the tree. I met a beautiful lady, considering her to be an angel, supposedly, but not really sure, and indeed, not really care, because I am all obsessed to catch my reservation and not be late at least this time.

"Welcome aboard!" she says.
"Can we just finish this, hello, really, I am running late." I mistakenly increase my volume with the high volume of excitement I have.
"It is 8.43pm, and we are closing in 2 minutes, why were you so late, you know about your scheduled flight."
"I am sorry, but yes, I just dreamed, and imagined, what can I do, this is my fuel for life, how do you think I climbed so high and always thought that at least you would allow me to see her eyes, or just her new design of hair." I say with an almost upset situation.
"Tell me what I can I do for you, other than giving your ticket."
"Just tell me, why you care about my passion. Nobody did. People think it is crazy, and it is 21st century, and don't forget, we need to consume everything so rapidly. We eat, we sleep, we love, we hate, etc. etc. Things happen so fast. Let me tell you this. I always wanted this, and I always think positive. I just never had a chance to give up, because words were just flushing out of my mouth. Whenever I look around, I see things offering me to use them as my figurative speech which will let everyone to imagine and put this relation into real words, real life. Unlike sitting down and thinking and asking repeatedly why, why, why.. I preferred to polished the good times, and trash away the bad times, and I never forgot my bad habits which are now recycled into small cans, so I can see them on the shelf, and they remind me that they are full of shit, and I never should be so close to them again. Never, ever. It is getting late, really, we are aging, could you please just give my ticket and let me know how long is the delivery of my body to her city of angels?"
"Well, it is upto you, it could be tomorrow, or it could be a few weeks later. But, remember, don't make this long, because you are about to get crazy like Hallac-i Mansur of Baghdad." she reminds me.
"OK, I leave everything here, so if they send me a message on facebook, please reply back and tell them I am almost finished with clearing my heart from dust." I said, and the order arrives.
"Hello Mr. Cafe, you Persian cookie, 1.50 TL please."
"Thanks, always on time."
"Your are welcome, good night."
"Good night, see you later."

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Just Be

Gotta do some targeted mass marketing and lots of research, feeling like I am just messing with the internet, but just an innocent look at the heater in front me reminds you back on, as the whole days passes with moments of you.

Just be the heater heating the whole room, I promise I won't be jealous or selfish, let you be, just be around, I can just look, just look at you.

Just be the light illuminating the whole room, I won't turn it on and off, play with it, nope, nothing, just let you be, and I will just take a look at you, well sometimes, I won't let my eyes die, or go blind, since I need to refresh my memory that I used to .... just be next to you.

Just sit around the dinner table, don't need to enjoy the dinner, just be the salt, or pepper on the table, I won't use you, I will just stare at you all night long, and promise you once again I will not overuse the rare moments that needs to be appreciated from the beginning to the end, just like the arrival of a plane on JFK airport, and departing immediately, staying away from the local taxes, charges, etc.

Just be ... mine, I mean, stay in my mind, or well, be like a mint, refresh my breath and the whole world.

Just be a letter on my laptop's keyboard, but not space, or enter button, I press them a lot, maybe the Escape button, whenever I watch the T9 video, and remember our time together, I can slowly press the Esc button, and leave the video, because there is no need to send my signals back on you, as you are already (maybe) enjoying the best times in your life, in your country, around your family. I know, I feel the same, just that we are so apart, but we have the same norms and traditions. Just be, yes, stay there, and also let me be, I mean, hear, or know about what's up, so I will make you the F5 button on my keyboard, which is to refresh the page. I promise, I will have high speed internet, so I will not need to use F5 a lot, the page will load instantly, and I will not need to refresh it.

Just be the orange, and I will promise you to keep you alone, as I continue to squeeze four to make my midnight vitamin charge. Stay alone, or of course, maybe you already have somebody inside the orange peel, so, yes, I won't peel you off, live your life, and yes, I won't cut you, and squeeze you, I know, there won't be any poison, but well, I won't disturb you, as I promised.

Just be the music in my ears, and I promise I will not play the same melody over and over again. As fruitful as the people of Turkey, there are lots of types of people, animals, plants, etc. There is a good combination of both, while some parts are unfortunately eroding and missing the gems of life. May they find their path back on without harming others, and yes, continue to sing with your beautiful voice, and don't put a sorry face, because I use the blender, and I am responsible for the plate, and I am sorry to leave a sour feeling on your palate. But, speaking of music, your ears, yes, and mine, well you may put earphones on yours, because this time I want to be selfish, I just want to hear you, and I don't want you to hear what you say, and then maybe I will hear that phrase I longed for so long! An innocent I .... too, you fill the blanks, if you have a chance to read this.

Time is passing, and maybe I will not enjoy this movie each minute. It is true that it is getting late, and I already deserved my Persian "pogaca", why not share it?

Dear you,

Just be around, yes, just let me hear, or see what's up? Because, I cannot think and believe that you changed, this is absolutely ridiculous to realize that we changed. Of course, people mature and realize about the realities of life, such as being around the loved ones, forever, or stay in our beloved lands, etc. But, on the other side, there is this feeling of sharing a life for the pleasure of whole world. For one second, if you imagine everyone was happy with one another, do you think we would have ultimate justice and peace. I am simply inviting you to contribute to this ideology, maybe, just like picking up the starfish on the beach, and throwing them back to the sea.
I invite you to use your beautiful figurative speech all the time, and remind me that we are all humans and we are capable of appreciating this life more than any other creature. Just be the one that I rarely, usually, sometimes, often, always and foremost frequently see and talk in this life, and just guess how much we can save by adding less salt to our dish. Yes, dear (used to be darling), end of each post is labeling another sticker on my face, and soon, I will be unable to see you, if I happen to be decorated with those happy face stickers. And, yes, those will be fake, to tell the world that I am without you.

I am....



Sending and Receiving?

We have been sending small pieces of stones into the deep well. We don't date the posts to avoid any expectations about considering this as daily news, weekly updates, monthly magazine, or a yearbook. None of them. It is totally freestyle, but the words are coming back from this deep well. I send some stones, and receive back some memories which both hurt me and so I put them up online thinking about her finally giving up and realizing how much I...

Welcome back to the stories of Cafe, and sit back relax, because spring is coming and today is April 14, 2009. It has been almost 3 days since sending a massage (yes, not a message) to her. It is not like a typical AIM, or ATM, or deposit to the bank. It was a compact pieces of phrases put together carefully, as always, not being very talkative, simply decorating with fruits and veggies, all healthy choices. I accept that I cannot stop eating this special cookie, which I tasted first, in the beautiful city of Baku. We read news and maybe don't hear enough about the history of Karabagh. Most recently, there was an article on Turkish newspaper, Hurriyet, about those people (refugees) misplaced from their original land, Karabagh, due to the conflict between Armenia and Azerbaijan. As much as she is affected by this political situation, as a sister country, I am also concerned and curious when should we accept some logical movements like clarifying this situation and letting people go back to their homes. As we all know, home is an important concept. On one side, people spend millions to decorate their homes, and on the other side, there are homeless people on the streets, even in NYC. The dilemma begins here, when one side is enjoying the luxury while the other side keeps fighting with the poverty. We are slowly drifting away from the world crisis between Cafe and Zair, I know. But, I will be coming back, wait, let me sip a little from my coffee, and just try to realize this could be a possible ....

a chance?

As I continue to read the book of Coelho (called, Zair), last night, I read the part about leaving your old relationships, and just sail to new experiences. At one part, Esther was telling to the Kazak boy that her husband doesn't understand her anymore. They were talking about the power of love, and also those people limiting themselves for the happiness of their loved ones.
To be honest, I am also learning from this book. I am aware of the eternal love I bare towards her, and I am not limiting myself for her happiness. Each body deserves an umbrella in the rain, and another umbrella under the sun on the beach. So, the climates may change, but the protection is necessary all the time. I was just willing to commit and to convince her family to protect their loved daughter from any harm until the end of her life. So, what about new experiences? Are we supposed to cheat on each other?

Since now I am being ashamed anytime I miss to pronounce her name during the day, how am I supposed to cheat on her, or treat her badly? Allah offered me a chance to weight how much I can handle to leave with her, and believe me, at some points it was very impossible. I strongly believe she had the same moments, and maybe more than I do, because I had so many handicaps, and I failed most of the time. Those failures added up, and at the end, she had a wonderful reason to go away. Now, I think like Mecnun in the desert, looking for her, walking, walking, and keep walking. Don't expect me to run, because I may get thirsty. Yes, I can reproduce my own water out of the oxygen in the air, but I need to balance my stress vs. strength. I do get stressed when I put things in rush. Hello, darling, just continue to enjoy your relationship, and I really don't wish that ship to sink. Let it sail, further away, and of course, I will one day forget about these, but now, I am sunk deep down in the well, and I feel like I am throwing those stones to myself. Ooops, my eyes. Oh, wait, don't touch my cheeks, they are reserved for a kiss. Hello, anybody there? No need to put commas, or dots. It is just a matter of time, and Allah is great to show us guidance and patience to understand where we end up to sip a little bit more coffee, and then begin to think if we are ready to take care of the coffee plantation.

The Persian "pogaca" (cookie, see the picture) awaits me to confirm his entry to my hidden treasure which has no appetite these days. I think about opening her a restaurant in Turkey, when she comes over. We all need the wonderful tastes from her country. And, it will be a boutique restaurant/cafe style, inside a clothing store. I imagine, and I will continue to imagine just like my American teacher in middle school told the whole class.


In those days, we were making fun of his accent, and don't understand what the heck we need to imagine sitting in the class of 40 and expect a bright future by entering an exam to enter university, when the chance is only about %20-30, I guess. I wish there is someone out there ready to measure my chance to win her back, because I am getting irresistable to receive a reply from her. Shall I just take a flight and go to her, and just wait in the historical spot and expect her to walk across me, and with my sunglasses on, I shall randomly ask her in English, what date is today, and ask her if she received an important message on April 10th, or well was it 9th, ooops, let's say the first week of April, and make the date part less stressful. Thanks to Allah, it is not like a prison, and I am not counting down the days to get out.

Now, I think about celebrating her birthday in all colleges around the USA, and raising awareness to genuine relationships, and loving someone without a reason, simply following the steps of your heartbeat, and measure their strength for how much they can handle each of you until the end of your lives. What would be a good name for this?

Loca? Muy loco?

Yes, it is very crazy!

Watching the rain is romantic, and witnessing each raindrop hitting the windshield of the car is also exciting. In the morning, when you wake up and see the sunshine, you get even happier, but see the marks of the raindrop on your car makes your day awful. Like, making fresh coffee, enjoying the first couple of sips, then forget about it, and after half an hour, you realize and drink it, and wow! It is very awful to drink it cold.

Dear You,

I never forget you.... so far!
I always kept you warm in my mind, and tried to press the delete button in my heart.
I don't have virus protection, but for some reason, that file cannot be deleted.... for now!
Please confirm your status and then I will call the engineers to fix it, or else...

I will continue to enjoy your cuisine, don't worry.
And, I will look for a chance to visit your beautiful city, all the time.
But, I am just unable to sacrifice everything, and we shall not be sturborn all the time.
We are not goats trying to cross to the opposite sides.
We could be goats trying to cross to the other side, TOGETHER!

We have been together for so long, we planted a lot of seeds.
Those seeds need to grow, and feed the family, so, please don't hang up.
Last nite motto was nice.
Yes, we've been together, and it is time to get her!

Don't take me ironic, sarcastic, or maniac.
It is just about expecting a genuine reply.
As I believe only genuine answer will be reflected from your eyes,
I will seek for the moment to get away and do the final round of speech with you in your beautiful city.

P.S: If you reply, and curse, of course this pretty, romantic, pink picture will be crashed, smashed, and recycled to new scenario for the future filmmakers who will shoot our movie.

Monday, April 13, 2009

How much I can write in 20 minutes?

I know how much I can long for you for another 20 years, but I guess life is not all about experiencing the loss of a loved one. One business day already past, and I don't think she would skip to read my message on facebook. Technology is so up high in the sky, I could even check if there was any entry from her country to this blog. But, my desire is moving on the other direction. It is not about selling something to a client. I am not putting up my desire on sale, and sending her an invitation. This is pure cocoa. Just use a little, but some hot milk, and you are on your way to ....

Now, I have been listening to this song very frequently nowadays, and I really wish to understand the lyrics. There is saxophone which resembles my past hobby. It is still my passion, but just not able to find time/place to ornament it. I miss her, well I mean playing it to her. For sure, she was hearing me echoing in the middle of Arizona desert. It was good times, and I am still lost if those times will be back. I don't see any obstacles. I never did. She created a few of them, I just couldn't handle, and for some reason, it immediately broke down, the strings between us. It used to be ropes, the thick one used in the navy, or fish net, you know, very tight, impossible to escape. We were ready to be caught by each other's net. I don't understand, I just wanna know, just like the lyrics of the song, I want to hear from her, saying that she is married, thinking about children, all happy and her way to the future is bright. OK, I am happy, well, of course bearing a lot of dilemma and struggle with ignorant foolish guilty feelings. I should be able to cleanse the skin, just make another look at the mirror, and accept the reality.
It is just coming. The name of her country appearing in front of me every other day. Last night, I was watching some history about Ottoman Empire, and guess what, the roots of the empire comes from the land of Fuzuli. What a person? I need more time to understand him. Maybe, I shall take some more time to read further, and just discover. The feeling will come forward, and all of them will be plainly reflected here to avoid others to fall into the same trap I put myself into, it is full of shit. Yes, indeed. It is a pain, while building one side of the wall, and seeing the other side collapsing. Why, or how? No matter. It happened, and I am VERY curious what's up with her since last September. It is going to be almost 6 months, and in 3 months I need to give a birth to my refreshed love. It is emergency, and I need to clarify, I just need to, because this is soooooo irritating while bearing the ultimate purity of this feeling, this feeling of loss and more curiosity.

Have a break now, just watch it, don't continue to read unless you fully watched it. I have no idea what he is talking about, but I can feel it. She is beautiful, but not to be compared with my treasure hidden somewhere across the border. I want my VISA to be valid. I want my passport back, and I want to gain back my identity. I don't need to convince her with the purity of this emotions. They are baked all day long. I repeat her name everyday, since she's gone. It was inside, somewhere maturing. Now, I feel it in my ears, in my nose, in my mouth. I want to cry out her name as I used to do while I was running on the riverside of Philly. It was beautiful there, and I always imagine to visit the city with her. The city of brotherly love. 8 minutes left, and soon I will watch the movie over and over again and just realize the reality furthermore. Now, I am obsessed with this song, with the video, with the reflection of her accent. It is very difficult to forget, because there was just so many quality language between us. She had a good mind, sometimes failing to operate my thoughts but still logical enough to conclude all talks with sweet melody. It should be fine, of course. Maybe she already had the sign "Just Married" on their car's title. It is OK, but I am just curious, and as long as this level of core thoughts doesn't burn each other, let's just make this fair enough, and award me with one sentence, or with a poem, just like the ones she wrote when I was in the US. It is such a lack of dignity to bury all those memories somewhere very far from here, from her country, way west. Maybe some people found it already and read, and just realize how much we belong to each other. I shall continue to fight until I see her face coding the reality. I don't trust internet anymore. I rely on this new technology, but it failed me so far. There is nothing like whispering to her ears, or watching her eyes talk. Or, just waiting for the next shooting star together, or counting the number of airplanes flying over us, and thinking when we will go back home and build our future TOGETHER?

Yes, it is time TO GET HER!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Simple Touch

I know the number of posts are getting more regular these days, as I continue to think over and over again about the possibility to get you. Repeating your name many times, and fell asleep was the sweetest night so far. Up until the morning, I heard your voice, and I keep regulating how I was treating you, and how I will promise to treat you. Same issues are also bothering me in business life, and I am almost done with the past behavior which was disturbing, I know. You read this as well, from the Coelho's book. The distance between the rails of the railroad is always 143.5 cm
We are also rails, and I promise to keep our distance steady to make sure our relationship is eternal like walking the silk road over and over again. I wish only one thing these days. To be able to talk to you, even you are married. I need you to dust some feelings, the spring is coming, so let me host this cleaning event. I want to be your sponsor, I want to be your guest, I want to be your host, I want to be your chance. I will choose to stay silent and just create extra juice to drink as we begin to talk non-stop melodically. It is a simple touch on the keyboard now, but it will be a lot simpler when it comes to touch your cheeks and ask them how much they long for ...

I look forward to fill in the blanks, and I am proud to stay strong up until today to show you how much I ...

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Message Sent

Dear You,

Or, shall I say just hello!
A few more signs were picked up from the ground, as I was approaching to talk to you. Of course, this cannot last forever, and I'd be the happiest person in the world, if my scenario comes up to be true. Why I am leading this discussion? Guess? I know, and you know. There were a couple of phrases we used to say, and those phrases were so powerful, it was reflecting each other's insight. There should be another you, if there is, she would still be you, so there is nobody like you. I have a permit to drive within the country, but I really don't want to check out what is the most recent weather update, because I don't care if it rains, snows, sunshine, or chilly. Let me sip a little from my soup, and it is beyond midnight, and it is just crazy enough to mess with the computer's mouse to figure out the way to organize the catalog which took almost 3-4 hours out of my office time. Now, I am back home and lying on your laps, and you are caring enough to comb my hair, and send random kisses to my cheeks, while lips are so jealous for the lost years.
Yes, indeed, the soup has some lemon, and it makes it more tasty I think, well it is lentil soup, and it is blended, so lentil are smashed, blended you know, as you are blended in me.
Well, I didn't sip, because it is just hot, so I preferred to stir it a little bit. When I met you, you didn't have any caution sign saying you are hot, and you were hot, and I guess you are still hot. I would prefer to select a few scenes from the past, and just figure out my way out of this dilemma, as I promised to myself not to contact you until I end up in your country for a business trip, then I'd check out what's up with you, without leaving any clues I have been so close to you. But, I could not resist after watching that movie which was almost laying out my experience, but not experiment/practise with you. It's a shame for a boy to date a girl and say we shall just practise marriage. I should have asked you to marry me, but that wouldn't guarantee anything, because the warranty was not valid outside the US. Calm down, wait a few minutes, I am almost lost within my soup, my late nite dish which will not include main plate, because as I starve a little bit, my consciousness is up %99.99 and I just don't want to change this channel, and I will not let those ones playing around in my mind and messing with my concentration. I am fully diagnosed, and the doctor say I am sick. Yes, I am sick of the past foolishness which led you to hide under another one's arms, as I sink, I got sick, as I got sick, I got fool, understand, and then be cool. Yes, I am cool, no worries, but after this message sent, there is tons of stuff to say, and simply decided to put a few sentences in the body. Soup is calling, please look after the kids, I will be back shortly.
How would you have kids, if you continue to be stubborn to stay in your country right? It is just traditions, and we are so obsessed with them, so we still have a couple of points to discuss. But, wait, no worries again, your life, your decisions, right? But, me, sinking down again. I have two memories about deep wells. One of them was in a city called Canakkale, Turkey. They used to open a very deep well, and during the war, they were throwing enemies in there. I am not sure which time of the history, it could be way back in time. Still, the well was too deep, and I began to think, what if they put me in there, and the only thing in my mind would be to reach to you, how would I accomplish that? It is impossible to climb up the wall, and suppose I have a spoon, or make a tea spoon. I shall open another tunnel, maybe reach to sea, and just swim to the closest shore. Suppose, I end up in an island, and I will not be able to leave unless I hear from you. How would you contact me? Wait, I dropped my cell phone, and yes I know, you already deleted my number, right? I never could, you know?
As a writer, they ask, my mind visitors, why I don't put any images to colleborate with the art of words. My answer would be similar to Paulo Coelho. He said each reader is putting their own images, and shooting their own films by reading each words in my writing. I would never like to shoot a movie out of my books, he says in Zahir. If you ask me, I would make a soap opera out of my writings, and these soap operas will be 5 minutes each, and they will be broadcasted right before the news. What do you think? Are we fair enough? I am starving, and I am thinking about eating, but once again I am not sure why? I wait. I won't cry, as I did at the end of that movie. Oops, also in the middle, somewhere. I still hear your cry as well. Why? It seems so stupid to experience what you had for five years. I already completed one year, are we even? I feel so sorry, and I believe it is more than being sorry, I feel lost. Haha, right! Being lost is the best solution, but I am just unable to name this situation. If I read more, I could have a good word here, making this a little bit more sophisticated. No matter if you eat your yoghurt plain or with fruits, I will always watch your channel. When I sleep, I will always register your name in the server, but they don't promise to offer me choices from your cuisine. But, I met the patisserie cookie we used eat in your country. They are baking this one of a kind cookie around the corner from our office. When I ask, who deserves my passion, all first ten spots are reserved for you. I guess we already missed bunch of them, and now those seats are occupied by others and I don't even see them, and if you ask me, I will always wait even though we keep counting after ten. Yes, it is foolish, and I cannot decide, because I don't know if you pregnant yet? I guess, that will be the end of story, and I shall immediately dig a well, and just stand inside for a couple of hours. I shall decide why I had to collect all those mistakes in my life and just gathered them all in front of you, and unconsciously offered them to you. Why? I miss you like crazy, and I really hesitate to check out acceptable mixture of beauties of mind, body and soul. I expect an answer, and I hope it is not too late. If it is, message is sent already, you know how we do. Sit down, pray, wait, and see. As always, we pray for the righteous person, and everyone knows and witnessed how much I ...

Friday, April 10, 2009

Lose it, chase it, too late to say goodbye

This time it will begin slow, unlike a rush-hour schedule. They say it mostly happens in the movies, will never bother to repeat the lyrics of a song like "you belong to me, I belong to me, la la la..." It is something else, and the sound of the keyword does not even bother me, because I take a deep breath and just move on to the next L train, but wait, not a good idea to leave my current spot, she may be coming, although we did not talk to meet, and if we meet, it will not be a date, and if it is not a date, we are no longer "flirting" As I look back and evaluate it, thus I conclude that I was like a rock hitting the all time low, and the most challenging yet irritating feeling is seeing the results of her projections about future which is the present now. I'd hate to accept the consequences, but it is very true, and I shall pray for her happiness once again to cleanse, tone, moisturize, protect, and maybe double cleanse myself to disable refreshing the old memories. The rec button doesn't work anymore, since it was very exhausted by recording the past years, and the technicians left the company, so there is nobody to take care of my camcorder. If she is alive and reading this single sentences mistakenly stuck between the paragraphs of this report, I lost her whom I chased for a very long time, and now I am sure, we both witness the same results, and if it is considered as sharing, then we receive full credit for it, because this is beyond sharing, it is feeling, it is living, and it is dying after each minute. The idea of getting more isolated to understand what really happened makes a lot of sense now, as I need to clarify each single breath I take and make sure it is not consuming any shared oxygen between us. Each module I embedded in my casual life is creating mixed feelings and many of them await for a quick proposal and many of them requires a good amount of patience. They don't know I am already evolving through her passage of light covering all sorts of feelings, beginning with lust where I am lost. A person of wisdom will come down and test my sincerity and now I know it is possible to keep this locked for a few more days when I will end up there to see her occasionally and of course unexpectedly, but I will follow some clues to satisfy my desire to try. Maybe I couldn't be a good captain of our boat when there was a lot of wind, and we had a choice to replace it with a yacht, but we keep the boat as I am too stubborn and she was too stubborn, so we found each other, though it is a known fact that opposite sides are supposed to pull each other. Reading is important to develop further phrases with shortened laces which will still qualify to make a know and keep us within the same boundaries. Indeed, anything happens between each other's countries seems to be a sum of our reflection of each other, as we look at the mirror and continue to see the one. I'd accept to lose her, then why am I repeating her name all the time, her name is just hidden under my tongue and if I shout out her name, I know she will not knock on my door, or ring my cell, or write me a message, or at least, I will receive a buyer inquiry for business in her country, and so I will accept it as a sign of invitation to check what's "really" going on since I am not really sure if she is gone-gone, and so I am done-done. I told her, or myself, that it only happens in the movies, and it did in the last movie which I was hesitating to watch for a very long time, because I knew that I'd see us there and then I'd cry so bad, and I did, and I am happy, because it was authentic, genuine, real, however you want to call it, and many important subjects were clearly pointed out towards my awareness which is too weak to hold on to the inner struggle, but rarely fails to protect it which makes the whole story rewind, and there is no choice to fast forward, well maybe sometimes, we can skip it. It is true that I am thinking, yet accepting the reality, but still faithful and praying for her well-being with me living as a regular human-being.